I am a pacifist. That is to say I don’t like fighting. Perhaps it is because I am the middle daughter: one older sister, one younger sister and me in the middle. Always in the middle of the fight. Now it is me and my partner. Sometimes, there is a fight. I don’t want to fight. I want us to be on the same team. Let’s fight something else together, like — global warming! However, disagreements do appear likes weeds in a cultivated garden. Those have to be addressed. Either gently uprooted when they are little seedlings or ripped out when they have grown big and ugly and spread their dandelion fuzz all over the yard — seedling of future arguments.

What the fight is about — does not actually matter. In fact, most often, I can’t remember or understand what we were fighting about. But I remember how I felt. My head aches for hours afterward from the feeling of being attacked, under-appreciated, not valued, talked down to, scolded like a child, defensive, angry, annoyed, pissed off and a myriad of other emotions. Those usually lead to a reprisal fight two-to-three days later. Most immediately, my body shuts down. I am too sleepy to fight. I can’t stay awake. Oh, how that makes you mad.

Despite the negative impact, we have to fight. The peace-at-any-price attitude in the short-term keeps the peace, but is wholly destructive as a process. (Remember the Weimar Republic?) Keeping it inside, not communicating is worse. It can lead to festering and exacerbate hurt feelings. How can I understand your perspective if you don’t tell me? Unlike your desire, I cannot logically deduce what you need in any given situation. Excuse me, but I feel that is nice way of saying you want me to read your mind. I am intuitive, not psychic!

Most importantly, I want us to be kind to each other. Be gentle and give each other the benefit of the doubt. I don’t want you or me to say mean things, especially when you are mad and we are fighting, because we can NEVER take them back. Words sting may outlast us.