The doom of the over achieving dame: Why Rosie did us wrong. (By Betty Tekeste)
As a college student and product of the hip-hop culture coupled with my habesha identity, I was keen to prove that I wasn’t the gold-digger, need a baller, can you pay my bills chic that was commonly displayed all over media. Even in the habesha world, I knew countless women who married some old fart who was loaded and started living as wives to complete strangers. Made no sense.
But during the countless times I reached out to pay the bill on dates, moved myself out of an apartment and changed my own tires, it never dawned on me that I was doing a disservice to myself and adversely impacting relationships to come.
Precedent: an earlier event or action that is regarded as an example or guide to be considered in subsequent similar circumstances:
Fast forward several years and here I am wife (to-be), mother, career woman, entrepreneur, socialite extraordinaire. I work, I take care of my baby, cook for my man, take a class here and there, work out, hang out with friends, maintain my house, make the grocery list, get the groceries, sometimes build/fix things, and in my free time I read about how to do more. And basically, I’m tired.
So I look back at the married the old fart at 23 chic that I judged so much in my 20s and visualize her at the coffee shop during work hours, sippin’ lattes as she holds her cup with fresh manicured nails then reaches into her designer bag to refresh her lip gloss. I imagine the life of this carefree woman who hasn’t aged a day past 25, and didn’t work for any of this and find myself wondering what the hell went wrong.
I find myself frustrated and overwhelmed by what needs to be done and needs to be planned and often times take it out on my poor un-expecting fiancé who just looks at me sometimes and just waits for the storm to pass. His common line to me is “so why didn’t you just ask me to do it?” And I’m angry that he didn’t know that I wanted his help without saying it. Because according to us (women) men should be qualified psychics, ‘cause we are…duh!
Precedent is a biatch.
Years of showing someone that you want to do it all and only you can do it as well does 2 things. 1) It presents you as a very strong individual who is independent and able, 2) It tells other people you don’t want nor need their help. And this is across the board. Your family, friends, man, mother or co-workers may have this impression of you. The end result? Rosie is a tired as hell and badly in need of a spa day.
What makes us so overwhelmed? Perhaps it’s a natural disposition for women to be in control and feel like we have organized and planned everything out. For me it’s the only way to function. And I wasn’t always like this so this has to be a learned behavior. I saw my mother, older women I admired and even my peers and pressured myself into becoming this organization, only to find that life is so much simpler when you relax and share responsibilities and just tone things down.
In short you’re not the only one who can and that’s the best thing that ever happened to you. Sit down Rosie!!
(Written by my sister Betty Tekeste :))