Utilizing the time between jobs to reflect & learn
30 something technology professional’s quest to surf, write and find her purpose
2016 has been the start of a new chapter in my life. After 10 years of a professional career in technology, I quit my product management job at a promising startup in the San Francisco Bay Area. I also decided to hold off my job search, choosing to take a pause for a few months instead. In my last days at the startup, many of my colleagues wanted to know where I was going for my next job, what my plans were etc. My friends and family had the same questions. I told them that I had “no plans” and wanted to take time off to explore my interests. Upon hearing my plans (or the lack thereof), most of them were surprised. Some of them were alarmed and advised me not to take time off. A small minority were absolutely thrilled for me. But almost all of them didn’t understand what the hell I was talking about.
They were puzzled and it’s understandable because they all know me as an ambitious and driven professional. So people wanted to know why I would seemingly abandon career progression in favor of unemployment. Implicit being the assumption that there must be a hidden rationale behind not taking up a job. Was I being secretive about joining a competitor? Was I planning to have a baby? Was I planning to do my own startup? Was I depressed and losing my shit? Surely a big life event was lurking behind this absurd decision!
So why take time off? Well I say, “why not?”.
To begin with, I have no financial obligations to find a job (thanks to a spouse who has been incredibly supportive of my decision). We don’t need to pay off any college debt. We own our home and aren’t pressed to pay ever increasing, ridiculous rents. We don’t have children so there are no tuition fees, childcare costs to think about. We live a simple lifestyle and have managed to save a decent amount of money over the last 10 years. Working for money is not a necessity at the moment which presents a unique opportunity. I could spend this year doing things that I actually want to do. I could think of this year as an investment into finding a purposeful existence.
Since so many people wanted to know the “why” behind my decision, it also gave me an opportunity to think deeper. I started to suspect that my parents and upbringing might have something to do with my decision.
What does my middle class, Indian upbringing have to do with it?
My parents grew up during the 1940s and 50s in rural, small town India. Agriculture was the primary means of livelihood in their families but as they grew up, bigger cities like Delhi promised better education and economic opportunities. They were both excellent students with a love for languages and managed to get admitted to good Delhi University (DU) colleges. They struggled to pay for their education since their families didn’t have any savings to fund their education. Both idealists and believers in strong leftist values, they dreamt of bringing about a social and political revolution in India. They wanted to become Delhi University teachers which would give them the opportunity not just to teach but to change the system from the inside through activism. Being a DU Hindi teacher wasn’t a well paying job at the time but promised a respectable and secure career with retirement benefits. My father went on to become a well known teacher’s association leader who brought about significant reforms to teacher’s rights and compensation. My mother worked as a teacher, social activist, supported my father’s rising career and raised us. They served the communist party in India as lifelong members and were also part of a liberal writer’s group that frequently published journals. Their life was full of purpose and they used every avenue at their disposal to strive towards their purpose.
While their lives were full (of purpose); their bank balance, not so much. My childhood in a frugal, middle class family in the 1980s was nothing like my life today. I had three other siblings, all much older than me. Our financial situation was modest and there was no disposable income. After working for 20+ years, they could finally buy a home in the year 1995 and a car in 2000. They rely on public transport till today. Our daily meals were healthy, home cooked and vegetarian. My parents didn’t go shopping or eating out frequently. It would be a special feast when my mother would cook meat curry on a Sunday. She would be wearing a cotton sari, sweating in the kitchen. My mom wore the same saris for 30+ years. When the saris wore out, we’d go to the local tailor (respectfully called master ji) and reuse the fabric to stitch kurtas, skirts or frocks for us. My father’s idea of splurging on himself was to buy a crisp, white shirt at the used clothing market in old Delhi’s Daryaganj area. It wasn’t called vintage clothing back then.
We lived frugally but it wasn’t like we didn’t enjoy ourselves. We would travel to different parts of India during the summer holidays to take advantage of a government allowance that encouraged family vacations. We would spend holidays & festivals with my mother’s side of the family. But the most exciting time was election season at Delhi University. After a long day of campaigning, their DUTA (Delhi University Teacher Association) colleagues would come over to our house. There would be heated arguments on current affairs, DU politics and the perils of capitalism. During these merry gatherings, all the university teachers would drink, smoke, poke fun at one another, eat my mom’s delicious cooking and go back to drinking. Their work, ideals and social lives were deeply intertwined.
As we grew up, our parents pushed us to excel academically. Education was a means to secure high paying jobs so that we could have the financial wealth they couldn’t. Their emphasis on education helped me find the corporate jobs that bring me where I am today. They’re the biggest reason that I am financially secure today. However my financial security came at the expense of living a purposeful life. Something my parents had but I did not.
Optimizing paisa (money) over purpose
Life for the last 18 years has been a chain of postponed decisions. In 10th standard when I had to pick subjects, I thought “let me pick Science for now and later I can figure out what I want to do”. In 12th standard, “let me get into an engineering college for now and later I can decide what to do”. In the final year of engineering, “let me get into an MBA college for now and later I can decide what to do.” After MBA, “let me apply for the job that pays most money and later..” A series of optimization problems. The decision making process always optimized for maximizing financial prospects. As a result, I lost touch with every single thing that gave my life meaning as a child. The things that moved me. The things that brought me joy. This is not how I want to live the rest of my life.
I don’t mean to say that corporate jobs are meaningless. Or that financial stability isn’t a legitimate purpose in itself. I have been fortunate to work at many world class companies that fostered a spirit of customer centricity, entrepreneurship and innovation. I am grateful to have worked in high performing teams with good leaders, managers and peers. My jobs were rewarding in many different ways because I enjoyed my work. What I want to get better at is connecting my skill sets, my work to a a deeper personal meaning. I might end up going back to a corporate job but with a goal to optimize a different variable this time around. I want to maximize my sense of purpose and ownership.
So where has the journey led me so far?
The hardest part for me has been coping with self doubt on this journey. Years of risk averse thinking and the natural instinct to prioritize financial stability continue to loom in the background. The last few days have been particularly difficult as I hit the 10 week mark and find myself sitting in my pajamas at 3 pm, alone at home. The nagging voice inside my head asks me “what have you accomplished?.” In moments like these, I end up look for job openings on Linkedin but stop myself from applying.
I decided to go for a surfing camp to Hawaii which took me out of my familiar environment. I’ve wanted to reconnect with my childhood so I can pick up the threads again. Over the last few years, I’ve wanted to rediscover what I liked to do as a child . I’ve wanted to rekindle my relationship with nature. I’ve wanted to learn surfing as the ocean always held a special place for me. I’ve wanted to travel. It was an incredible experience to travel on my own and learn to surf for the very first time. I was surprised to meet many travelers from around the world who were on a similar journey of self discovery. They gave me hope. I know that I’m not alone on this journey.
I’ve wanted to hone writing as a craft. I wrote a lot during school. Poetry, lyrics, essays, articles. Mostly in Hindi. I also wrote during my years working in technology. Mostly business writing like user stories, requirements, customer profiles, personas, marketing materials, case studies, presentations and analysis. I did a lot of writing for work but without really thinking about it as a craft. I never realized it but looking back now, writing has given me something special. It gave me a sense of crafting or creating something. The idea of creating something tangible brings me pleasure. Incidentally, both my parents are Hindi writers so it also allows me to connect with them.
I hope to find others on their search for purpose and learn from their lessons. Have you thought about about finding purposeful careers? What have been your struggles? I’d love to hear about your journey, please share your thoughts.
