The Joy of Imperfection — Day 3
In my ongoing effort to recover from Perfectionism, I am continuing with the exercises that Damon Zahariades sets out in his book ‘The Joy of Imperfection’.
Step 4 — Give yourself permission to make mistakes, to make errors in judgement, or even to fail. Mistakes can be valuable learning tools.
My comfort zone is a comfortable. I know what to expect…a bit of boredom and self-loathing. I also know that I am reluctant to commit to new things. I have started writing a book, a memoir, but I am not sure how to structure it or make it interesting. I don’t want my book to fail so I have convinced myself that I need to complete various online courses before I can continue with it — yes, I am procrastinating because of my perfectionism. I need to move out of my comfort zone and commit to writing my book. To risk failure.
Step 5 — Give yourself permission to be wrong in order to minimise defensive behaviour and confrontations and the associated stress, low self-esteem and self-condemnation.
I like to think that I care less about being correct and more about rectifying my errors, but I recall times when I have made mistakes, only to shame someone else — ‘How come you don’t know this?’ — or gloss over it in the hope my mistake is forgotten. Instead of arrogantly assuming I am right most of the time I would be better served by asking questions to get to the facts — there is no shame in that.
Step 6 — Lower the unreasonably high standards that you set yourself (and are unlikely to meet) to avoid the self-condemnation that will follow.
When I think about writing a book I want to write a good book; as a perfectionist, that means a book that is praised by everyone. What would be a more reasonable standard? I can aim to write a book that I am proud of, resulting in improved self-confidence — much better than all of the negative self-talk that would follow my failure to reach my lofty goal.
Step 7 — Re-evaluate (and if necessary, readjust) your expectations.
Expectations are different to standards. Expectations are the expected outcome, but many outcomes are outside my control. If my book is not a bestseller, will I consider that a personal failure? The book market often changes and there are times when memoirs are less popular. Economic changes might mean that people are not buying books at all if they can’t afford to eat or heat their homes. I can adjust my expectations and aim to self-publish my book. Anything beyond that is outside of my control.
I am really enjoying this examination of my perfectionism. Join me again tomorrow.
