Pain Shopping

Add to cart? No.

This term has been around for awhile but I recently stumbled upon it after a lengthy social media creeping session followed by a hefty glass of wine to swallow back the uneasy feelings. For what it’s worth it was a Cabernet Sauvignon and it did not pair well.

Pain Shopping is a variable term that applies to a few different scenarios.

1.The compulsive internet creeping of your ex (and former friends or even family) to see how they are living their best life without you and what they are posting publicly and going into mega-ultra overthinking overload.

2.The constant rumination of a previous infidelity and actively looking and “shopping” for evidence either online, at home, in their jeeps, in their pockets. Wherever.

3.Hyper-vigilance with a cheating partner and asking them repeatedly where they have been, what they were doing and how often they were doing it sometimes peppered with the odd dash of “ are they better than me”.

In short Pain Shopping is literally shopping for reasons to be upset, and is one of the worst self-flagellating, mentally harming things you can do to stall your recovery. Most of us get our pain for free without looking for it so why make it extra worse?

Because it’s compulsive and familiar behavior. Plain and simple. You’re hurt with no real or proper closure and it’s super lame.

Time to Focus

My focus today is on social media pain shopping because in this phone-based communication timeline I think a healthy dose of us could use a harsh reality check. Maybe compulsively checking the Instagram numbers of your former friends account and wondering WHAT they are posting is 100% not a healthy thing? (who knew?) Maybe we can help ourselves through this mess without losing our shit.

In short my experience with the other two “life after cheating” Pain Shopping methods was fast and simple. I never got over it. Kick him out, sis. Move on with your life because you will never recover unless you both commit to solid therapy/counseling and your partner is clearly invested in building trust back. You probably can’t do this alone and I’m sorry.

But internet pain shopping? I feel it’s overlooked.

Break it down

So you whether you were dumped, divorced, getting over a Narcissist, losing what you thought were friends, getting cut off from your best friend, or just not over that one particular ex? You’re still peeking at their social media for reasons ranging from pure, morbid curiosity to having that false feeling of “closeness” because you have access to a very selected part of their lives.

It took me years to really grasp that social media is the complete literal translation of “Living your best life”.

It’s true. No one posts ugly pictures of themselves and depressing realities like their car getting repo’d or their husband cheating on them with a waitress. You only see filtered selfies, vacation pictures, staged couple pictures, happy-not-whining kids, or skillfully arranged ‘gram worthy meals. Certainly not a pic of me eating olives out of a can the other night because I was too tired to make dinner. How single and sad.

Sometimes we will post pictures mocking our situation, and I tend to love those people for the attempted boost at realism. But its usually wedged between a perfect selfie and a self-validating gym picture which does take away from your attempt at being real. Unless you are my brother and its consistently cat pics and dark humored memes only.

Missing in action

If things are freshly broken and you are feeling raw, do yourself the grandest of favors and just disappear. Take a social media sabbatical. No announcement- just do it. If people miss you they will message you. I can’t stress enough that it’s so completely unproductive to wallow in self misery and refresh pages to see if your ex-whatever has changed their cover photo, or profile picture or has made things public. Don’t pain shop for the signs that they are reaching out to you with secret emoji’s or status updates. Seriously, do you hear yourself? It’s crazy and it’s not you. You are better.

It’s time to focus on you. It’s cliche but it’s in a Lizzo song and it’s REAL. After my recent bad-news-bears split with toxic friends and recent social media purge-I’ve started taking walks, writing, sketching (oh lord I am terrible) and I’ve gained the clarity to hone in on things that I was avoiding in real life. Either out of anxiety or just because I had rented out so much head space to people who were making me feel sick on a daily basis.

Block into oblivion

If you can’t quit social media cold turkey (or it’s a source of income) and you need to wean like a junkie- block them. No hard feelings, just block so you won’t look or pull yourself down into the sharp, jagged underworld of overthinking. Blocking should be much less of an insult and way more of a sign that you need to stop, take a break and just not engage.

I’ve learned over time that if you are blocked it’s not so much about you, as it’s about the other person and their limits. As the “blocker” you are just setting internet boundaries and this is perfectly acceptable. Especially if they are narcissistic,won’t shut up and you need a break. Don’t perceive blocking as an insult, either way it’s done to enforce boundaries and these are what you both need to move forward.

In the event that there are children or other high value items involved, keep their phone numbers unblocked. For the love of god don’t text them- but do leave that avenue open for emergencies. Try to train yourself as this being unblocked for a 911 emergency only so you don’t drunk text them.

Mindfulness

It’s in you, and you can do this. That part of your life is over, and everyone is over it so work out your own closure. Having the headspace to accept that you really do not know what you are seeing with social media is a tremendous step in the right direction. If suspecting that maybe some things were for your benefit helps you then fine-just move along silently and smugly. As long as you don’t act on it- because the reality is that you have no idea what the hell is going on. You were pain shopping, but will NOT add to cart.

Back in the day we had zero access to anyone's personal life until we got to know them and their families. Now that selective parts are on display (for everyone to see) you can get a perceived feel, depending on the poster, of what is going in their life. But it’s all crafted to look a certain way.

I am a solid example of an aloof poster. I do not share ANYTHING personal so you could look at my cat, cactus, alcohol choice pictures and random memes as a partial snapshot into my life but you absolutely do not have the whole picture and I am leaving a metric fuckton out. See? It’s a thing.

Get to the point to where if you have to look, you can look without comparing, without judgement and without having that awful pang in your stomach over choices made. Best to wait until you feel like you can have an indifferent reaction that has no bearing on your mood and life.

Be Excellent

You’ve been through a lot. As a late Generation X near the cusp of Millenial, I can tell you with confidence that while I love the internet-I struggle with the terrible beauty it brings into everyone's life. Missing the old days of taking phones off the receivers and BAM. The line is tied up, friend. Move along.

You have to learn to backup, trust and reinforce your limits and be kind to yourself. The break up in whatever form it happened; whether it was friends, a relationship or marriage or whatever-was a traumatic experience to be sure, but try to set yourself up for success. Pain shopping only hurts you, so it’s time to make the change to REAL shopping and taking care of yourself- so you can find your people and be someone's person with a clear head, and positive focus.

Add to cart? Good vibes ONLY.