-Sean Anthony Lopez

*collects 20 poems*

The story is told out of sequence because I wanted it to be similar to how memory works. Remembering bits and pieces at different times and places. There is a key to piecing it together, and I think it’s simple to solve. I will not tell you how though. The story follows a protagonist who’s world view has become skewed. He is paranoid and distrusting. This clashes of course with bits of narration...where the story comes from a more...absolute source, as though he is recounting past events. The protagonist explains that he has become more pessimistic due to his relationships (familial and romantic) having failed. In the end it is unclear if he truly resolves anything, but there is more hope than doubt. It is also unclear if the world view he has is purely brought on by paranoia or if there might be some shimmer of truth to his...delusions.

Number 16- The End of All I Knew

It's the end of the world
And everything that I've come to know
All that I've done, loved, and understood
All of it means nothing anymore
It never will
There will never be another chance
And there is no more time
It's all gone
There is a bright light outside my bedroom window
A white light
Growing in intensity 
The sound of it getting louder
And I see your face across from mine
We are lying in bed
My hand rests on your cheek
I'm stroking your skin
And the light is getting brighter
And you're shaking
You're so scared
I am too
But I focus on your face
The sounds are getting louder
The cheek I am stroking dampens as a tear rolls down your face
You are smiling
Crying and smiling
I can hardly see you now
The light is so bright
Your lips move
They form words I cannot hear
And I'm shouting
I'm shouting how happy I am to have met you
To hold you
My hand will never leave this cheek
You raise your hand to mine and rest it
I am holding you as you are holding me
The room is penetrated by the light
And I can no longer see anything
My fingers feel your lips curl for the last time

Of course, this was just a dream
One of the good ones I think
I cannot tell anymore

Number 2- Youth

I remember there was once a time
Where the world was safe and warm and kind
And my head was full of fancies
And fantastical things
Many of these fantasies were typical for a young man to have
But, of course my youth was at the heart of my naivety
I wasn't concerned about truth or lies
Or politics and government
Couldn't give a damn
Nope, not a damn
Head in the clouds
Off to school for me
Fulfill my dreams
And find love
Find the love I held in me
Share it as I so pleased

And then I met you
Oh, how little I knew
How little I knew

Number 12- Snapshot

You've disappeared into thin air
Can't find you anywhere
It's like you never really did exist
But the memories of you still persist
They just eat me alive
They just eat me alive
They just eat me alive
They just eat me alive
And now the snapshot is fading
It use to be much clearer
But the edges are fraying
It's like you were never really there
And it eats me alive
And it eats me alive
And it eats me alive
And it eats me alive

Number 4- Black Holes

I won't always be there to save you from the identity confusion depression
I can't always come to rescue you when you're pulled into a black hole
And with time and space pulled out all over the place
I can't always promise that I can protect you
I think it's time to focus
And talk about the future
Forget the old and let's move on to something great
I just want you to stand up
And be aware
So many nights
And so many lies
So many nights
So many lies
I just hope you feel my love move through you
So I can lift you from this pit
I don't want to walk in to find you buried beneath the sands of doubt
No more writing testimonials on the blank spaces of your white, white wall
And with fear and hate pulled out all over the place
I can't always promise that I can remain patient for you
I think it's time to focus
And talk about our fate
Let go of the past so that we can move on to something great
I just want you to stand up
And be aware
So many nights
And so many lies
So many fights
So many lies
I just hope you feel my love move through you
But I don't think that you do

Even though I can't lift you from this pit
You'll be alright

You'll be alright, right?

Number 7- The Fight We Had

I thought it funny
What, it isn't funny
I knew you couldn't stand your mother
She was sick
But you didn't have to follow in her footsteps
But that was it
I shouldn't have said that 
I didn't mean to make that comparison 
But I knew exactly what I said
And there was no taking it back

You got angry and stormed through
Our bedroom door
I ran to the front of the house and I tried to stop you
But you pushed me
And grabbed me and dug your nails into skin
I could not stop you from leaving
So I took your keys and moved them
Had to hide them
But you forced me to give them anyway
You would not sit down and talk
All you wanted to do was get in the car
And then drive it off of some bridge 
That's what you said you'd do
And I failed you
You left and I was sure you'd wind up dead

You called me later
The car was damaged in some accident
You cried and you said you were scared but you wanted to come home
I made the mistake of bringing you back in

All of this rooted in your blood
That woman hurt and abused you
And, oh god, that place you lived in
And just the things that you were made to do
Or the the things you saw
Or said or did
It was desperate 
It was real
And I came to remove you
And in so doing
I adopted you
And took all your weight
Put it on my shoulders
You said you'd shoulder mine
I didn't realize we had become so heavy

Number 5- Prescription Blues and Back and Forth

You won't even look me in the eyes
No, you wouldn't even give me the time
Take my hand and look me in the eyes
No amount of medicine 
No amount of pills on these tongues of ours
Will make you look me in the eyes
Guess we really messed up everything
Guess we really wasted time
Took the sweet and turned it bitter
Thought the truth would set me free
How could I know
How could I know the chains would only grow tighter on me
Won't you look me in the eyes
Don't tell me we messed it all up again

She's Saying
Please, let me go
Let me go
Or take me back
Take me home
Or let me go
Please, let me go
Come on, baby
Just take me back
No, just let me go

And I'm saying
Please, come on back
Do not go
No, let me go
Don't take me back
I didn't mean that
Just come on home
Come on, babe
Take me back
Or let me go

Number 11- Up and Down then Repeat

I feel like I'm on one of my ups
Everything is good
Yeah, everything will work out
Everything is fine

I must be in one of those moods
I can feel the smile spread across my face
Yeah, I've gone to my happy place
Everything is gonna be great

Everything looks so bright
From behind my rose colored lenses
Until it all comes crashing down

Yeah, it all falls to the ground
And as I scramble about
Looking to pick up the pieces
I keep falling down

I always work myself back up
Just to keep on falling down
It's that bittersweet butterscotch candy that always gets caught between your teeth

I feel like I'm one of my ups
Everything is so fresh
Everything is so new
And I'm full of desire

It's that special glow
That shoeshine sparkle
That twinkles like chrome
On exposed teeth when you smile

Everything looks so good
From behind my rose colored lenses
Until it all comes crashing down

And there's a place for optimism
Really, it's the best
But it doesn't make any God damn sense

The world is cold
It's people are clueless
And for once I count you amongst them
I hope you stay lost amongst them

Number 10- Bleeding Heart Conspiracy

You speak like there might be something to know
But I can't relate
I never jumped on that wagon
I just watched it roll by
I've just seen it go

You run into the streets with blinding speed
Screaming to the skies
Lungs about to burst
And the people stop
They turn to point and stare
They think you've bought into the lies

What compels you to think you already know
All the secret talk
All the hidden storylines
The well constructed plots
And every friend or foe

The conspiracy falls heavy like cold rain drops
Or slightly melted snow
On the tongues of whispers
Who dare not speak up
For fear that there doors may be kicked in by the cops

But you, you've got control of this one, don't you
The people need to know
Too bad they don't listen
You only hear what you want
The truth rarely reaches more than a few

And all the broken hearts
They just play on repeat
All they can hope to do
All they have come to know

This world runs out of control

Number 3- Mothers and Fathers

There was me and there was you
Oh, the things that we would do
I didn't know much of your story then
And I wish that still were true

But it did not take too long to see
That this relationship included family
You introduced me to your mother
And our love stopped being fantasy

You told me of the past events
And how some things got pretty tense
I felt so sorry to see that shack
Just a prison held behind a fence

And you lived there
As she rotted
She stopped even talking
She cared more for the horses
Then she did her own damn children
Well, where's Dad
He's off playing with his second family
While you are left here tormented
She cursed you
And saw in you
Way too much of him
She held you
Then threw you
And kicked you in the stomach

And your brother and sister
They just took it too
They knew they couldn't stop it
Or she'd turn on them
And right now it's best to stay in her favor
She saw me as threatening 
Well, she damn well better
I took you and saved you
We ran away together
You never let me put a finger on her
I should have known something was up

So we ran away back to my home
And I told you that you'll never be alone
You gave me purpose once again 
And in return I became your stone

All was well until you met my father
He wouldn't accept you as his daughter
And you said he could see right through you
He always told me just to leave her

At the time I thought he was crazy
But remember my vision was all hazy
I was deep in love and could not see the issues forming
It wasn't long after when our relationship turned lazy

And we lived for each other
I thought we could build a home
But your lies grew much stranger
You cursed him
And he cursed you
I'm caught in the middle
I'm blind and I'm losing face
I can't fight him
You want war
But I don't know whats going on
You hand back my ring
And he's cheering on the inside
You blame everyone else
But you don't see when you lie
And I'm losing my mind
I'm stuck between places

Your mother
My father
And then there was you and me
Your mother was poison
My father too clever
You had some plan
That I couldn't see
I should have just listened
But I was too frightened that you'd leave me

And now I am spinning
I'm spinning
I'm losing my mind

Number 15- A Year and a Half or so Later

It was a year or so
Or maybe even longer
Since I last saw you or even heard from you after the break up
I had just come back from school
And I was living in our hometown
And now you just show right back up
And I melt to butter
You tell me that you missed me

I fall down to my knees
And hold you
And press my face into your body
You keep pulling me away from friends
To sneak another kiss
How my body tingles when your lips touch me

You tell me we can work things out
And that you want to spend the night
I told you that was fine
Here, you can rest right here beside me
But keep your clothes on, woman
This is all to surreal and I don't know if I'm ready
You don't like that you couldn't seduce me
No, you don't like that you couldn't control me
You leave so early in the morning
Thinking I was sleeping
But I watched you roll out of the neighborhood
And cried when you did not look back
Oh, how the past has come back to haunt me
You did it again
You took advantage and then you left
And when I asked all I got was
That you never got closure
So you sure as hell didn't owe me that
And I'm left thinking

That this was all my fault again
I have never seen or heard from you since
It's like I made you up
You have completely disappeared

Number 1- Lines Blur with Memory

Listen up now

This is where things take a turn
Whereas before the real and fake tend to blend together
I will draw that line just a bit thicker
Paranoia set in soon after
And my world turned upside down
So it seemed that everything kept spiraling
Couldn't trust my family or friends
I blamed them and hated them
Even tried deserting them
But I finally came back
I did not find solace in the ways of the world
I thought that it might be warm
But I was wrong and became cold
And as for you
You just disappeared 
I thought I could find you
But why bother to search
After all, in the end
It was I who had left
And not the other way around
But it was much easier than staying
Too bad I had nowhere to go

Now I am not innocent 
I had my faults
And we had both been lying to one another
For far too long to pretend to be happy
But when it was over
It took me years just to get a grip again

And only now I realize we never stood a chance
It wasn't the world to blame
You came preloaded but I thought I could be your hero
Ya know, your shining prince charming
Whatever was I thinking

Number 8- Curtain Call

I can feel their eyes
Their eyes are watching me
I'm trapped in this box
And I can hear them scratching on the windows
They come to the front door
With questions they shouldn't be able to ask
And try as I might I can't see how I could leave this place
Their eyes stare out past the masks they wear
And I feel them watch me at night
When they think I fell asleep

I'm lying on the floor
The room is now spinning

Number 9- Father Finds Me

I'm dizzy
On the floor
Lying in a pool of my own drool and vomit
I see him come through the door
And extend his hand out to me
I can't see too clearly
My vision is blurry
He pulls me up
Sets me on the chair of my front porch
Hands me a cigarette 
Lights it
And says smoke up
How did he get here
What happened
How did he know
And I can't find my damn phone
He's talking
And I'm shaking my head
But I wasn't really listening
I can't remember a damn thing
He leaves
And I go inside
The bottle of whisky lies empty
By my phone and my spit and bile
I don't know what happened
All I know is that I want out of this box
This prison
I can't stand it anymore

Number 14- Three Girls

I met her on the phone
She said take me out
Take me out
You're kinda weird
You're kinda funny
It's really kinda kinky
I met her once
And then we fucked
But I couldn't bring myself to feel anything
It was embarrassing
And she never called
Or ever talked to me again

And then there was this girl who seemed to be just right
But on the inside she was dying
I don't know if she even liked me
After all she had a boyfriend 
But she kept coming by every night
To get drunk and high and please me
It became so common that I couldn't see what happened
And in the end I burnt out
Told her to get out
And off she went
No tears, no regrets
Just moved on until she found me

This girl was nice and obviously liked me
But before I could even court her
She just made a place in my sheets
Sure, I could have stopped
But it's not like I was making all the best choices lately
She moved too quick
And even said she loved me
But how could she have known so soon
When she didn't even know me

Well, I left her too
And I thought I did so politely
But you never can know these days

Number 17- Tori Over Victoria and Never Vicki

Just when I thought that I might be rid of you
You show up a vision by my bedside
I feel you sinking your claws in
And pulling me
Then dragging me down to the ground
The bed that I laid on
Is gone now
It's disappearing
And my legs
And my arms are so soaked by the wet grass beneath me
I hear you still calling
So I find myself crawling on all fours
I just want to remove you
But you keep on showing up
No amount of begging or pleading
Seems to ever disrail you
And so I just start believing
That everything was always my fault
And just as the words fall from my mouth
You reach out to grab me
And pull me up
To hush me
And kiss me
And make me feel like it all will work out
But I can taste your poison
So I spit it out
And now you are angry
But clearly, it's all because of me
I'm sorry
I'm sorry 
I really am so very sorry

Number 13- Liberal Friends Ask Too Many Questions

I don't know why I keep trying to explain this to you
You just don't get it
Born to follow
Born to crawl on all fours
Sucking on your thumb
Feeling proud but looking dumb

I don't know how many more times I've got to spell it out for you
You just don't get it
Born to be led
Born to cry real loud
Feeling happy to obey
Sitting and waiting like good prey

Oh, God
Is this bound to last forever
There's no way
That this can go on forever

Number 6- Dad Knows Best

You really think you know what's best for me
But, oh, it just comes so clearly to you now
You really think you got me sorted out
Nevermind the pleasantries 
No need to small talk here, friend
You must be so clever
You really got me figured out
But what of the good times
Yeah, what of the good times
Watch them all go pouring out
Right out the window
Yeah, you really got me sorted out
Now tell me
Who you think
Yeah, tell me
Who you think
Oh, tell me
Who you think
You are
Either brave or stupid
Likely desperate 
What, now you've become despondent 
What a shame
Really thought I had you sorted out
If you got a thought then, please
Share it
Please, just spit it out
You really thought you knew what's best for me
Oh, how I miss the good times
Won't you just bring them back
Bring them back to me

Number 18- The Truth I Learned

It's been a long time
It's been such a long ride
I've fallen off these sore feet
Down to the hard ground
Felt like I fell out of touch
Felt like I faded away
Felt like I lost my mind
Felt like I lost my way
Truth is
You can learn about me
From the things I choose to say
And the other half comes
From the things I hide away
Never expected anything to be easy
Never expected you to believe me
Never thought the world should be handed to me
On a silver plate
Or a saucer plentiful of dreams
Like I'm a charity case
Like I came in last place
Like I couldn't talk to another person face-to-face
I just fell into a hole
A deep, dark pit
And there I would sit
Waiting out the rest of my days
You see, I let go
I lost hope 
And I blamed myself for everyone's mistakes
Not to mention my very own
It's true
I ain't no saint
But I'm tired of living with grief and regret or disdain
Thing is
You had made a conscious choice to hurt me on a daily basis
Consistently and persistently
To get back at me
For something that you said was my fault
And maybe it was true
Maybe I hurt you
But I didn't go out of my way
Didn't treat this like some sort of game
And if it was I didn't want to play
It's hard to live with the choices we make
Especially when they are wrong
It's much easier just being fake
And to sing that same old song
But you twisted me up inside real good
Got me thinking that everything was my fault
As the years went by
I died inside
Until I realized that you were wrong
Clearly, I didn't always put myself out there to be reached
But I never tried to hurt you
However, on the other hand
You went off the deep end
And formulated your plans
Well, you got what you had wanted
And we aren't ever going back
So I hope you keep on walking
And I hope one day you see
That it wasn't about me
I've been set free
But you will always have to live your life Knowing what you did was wrong

We'll see
You once told me
That you have never regretted a choice you've made in this life
But that ain't human
I hope that now you've changed
And you can reflect on what you've done
Because you ought to feel ashamed

For once I can see the light of day

Number 19- Message

Feel me now
I need you to listen closely to my words
Open up to me
When your heart is heavy
I will carry you through eternity
But know that if the burden is not shared
As I carry you
You will lead me to my early grave
Have faith in me
You are not alone
Never fear the night laid out upon this road
I will bolster you
Make you strong
Restore in you what you thought was lost
But only if you keep me well
And stop my bones from aching
You can trust in me
You can call on me
At anytime
For anything
I will hear you out
This song has been sent out to reach you
Wherever you might be
And if you've heard it's tune
Know that I will be true
Just call on me and see

Number 20- Hope?

I know this life feels a little bit harder
Each and every day
And I know the light goes a little bit dimmer
Until it fades away

And the best parts
They disappear 
As the ghosts 
They claw about
And whats left
Is only fear
As you desperately crawl around

But have no worries
No one claim that they could be
Who they wanted all the time
But you are not really lost
Until you've completely forgot the way
And have some hope, my friend
That this is not the end
Just the start
Of a dream
That lay so hidden within
Come to light, my friend
And begin all over again
Now's the time
To fight
And make everything alright
Have some hope, my friend

This is not the end

As you know it gets hard
Each and every day
But there is light
In the end
And it will never fade
Never fade
Never fade

This is what he said to me
This is what he told me
And at the time I could not feel him
But he is the closest friend I've ever had
And so I am inclined to believe him

Have hope, my friend
This world is not at its end
It's not as crazy as you would have it

But that feeling of dread has never gone away
And when I look around
All the people still sometimes feel
As though they all may just be staring at me
Staring right back at me