Dear Tenants

Please be advised that the building’s water will be shut off for repairs today. Not the pipes. The water itself will be “off.” We ask that you refrain from disturbing the laborers from City College of New York’s Theoretical Physics Department who will be attempting to fix the strong nuclear interactions in the component atoms of the building’s water molecules. Professor Michio Kaku will be leading the repairs and has kindly offered to stay afterward for for a Q&A and to sign copies of his new book “Seriously? More Dimensions?”

Several residents have also noted the opposite phenomenon with the toilet and shower waste water, reporting regrettable incidences of unbreakable meniscuses through which no matter was able to breach the water line and thereby be flushed away, or, sadly, in the case of a tragically relaxing bath in #4B, to come up for air. Cleaning crews are on their way right now to deal with any body waste, including bodies, that could not be removed by traditional flushing or continuing-to-live methods, while a specialty van der Waals demolition team will be arriving tomorrow to return this water to its normal, penetrable levels. We ask for your patience.

And, while it’s just an unpleasant coincidence, the building’s monthly gravity maintenance will also be taking place this week, starting Saturday at 10AM. Make sure to secure all sharp objects in their drawers and tie down any children you’ve recently produced to a piece of furniture that has been nailed down using BUILDING APPROVED NAILS. Tenants, this is VERY important. The wood that makes up your floors is a living thing. Building approved nails are made from recycled neutron star and are the only items on Earth heavy enough to avoid being pushed out by the unknowable mind inside your floors.

Now is also a good time to remind everyone of the basic rules of the building, items you all agreed to in your leases. So hint hint, please read and abide by the following:

  • The roof is for launchings and landings only. Personal dirigible use is acceptable if the mooring line is 50 feet in length or greater and the airship does not block any tenants sunbathing or moonsuckling.
  • Satellites are fine but their orbits can not intersect nearby architecture.
  • Pets are also ok but it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to ensure that any animal pals adopted or purchased from the shadow realms be properly leashed and that they remain in ONE consistent shape at ALL times during walks. We have fielded numerous complaints from both neighbors and your other tenants about this problem and receive several emails every day with subject headings like: “a dark gelatinous predator absorbed my dog” or “why do I hear an army of millipedes baying in my vents again?” If this policy can not be observed, we will be forced to raise rents in order to pay for para-legal representation in the many on going shadow court cases we are (thanks to inconsiderate tenants) involved in.

Lastly we have a vacancy! Apartment 4B will be available for rent very soon. A previous tenant defaulted on his lease so after a quick repainting, the space will be ready for a happy new resident. If you know of anyone or anything looking for a home, please feel free to put them in contact with all of us here at Impossible Realty. In addition to 4B, we have many other listings that will satisfy an infinitely wide range of lifestyles.

As the saying goes, there are three things that matter in property: “location, location, spaceless abysses that come with a gym.” And we’ve got all three! :)

— Management, Impossible Realty