Dick Pics: Set The Difficulty To Hard

It’s just too easy to act like a creep today. Used to be, you had to learn a skill to be effective at it… like Lurking or Leering or Luring (you know, the 3 L’s of Creepiness!) before you grossed out a lady and ruined your marriage. Now all you have to do to be a creep is hit SEND? Too easy.

We need to make these guys work for it, America. I think dick pics absolutely should be allowed but only if it takes some real effort, some proof of a gentleman’s sincere ardor. Here are the terms and process I suggest we institute for all future dick pic messaging:

A photo taken instantaneously with your phone? Anyone can do it. We have to winnow the numbers down to only those guys who feel that sending an image of their penises is practically their lives’ calling, to those who would do anything asked of them in order to send one. Therefore, I propose that the “pic” can no longer be a photograph. Instead it must be hand painted. To avoid giving an advantage to any men with previous general level art training, the painting has to be done in the painstaking photo-ultra realism style AND the painter may only use watercolors.

Tut tut, it will be worth it, guys, if you REALLY want to send that pic.

This will probably take 5–10 years or so of constant practice.

Further, the canvas must be hand woven duck style (tighter weave) by the sender. Indeed, the cotton for the canvas can only come from the sender’s own property (though material for the backing may be store purchased at this early stage, which will not be the case when it comes time to frame the art). So the first thing a potential sender may want to do is to buy some land and start planting. A few dozen acres should provide. I will leave the choosing of which species of cotton to the sender’s discretion. You’re only allowed one canvas per year, however, so make each one count, gentlemen!

Once the canvas and painting are completed, the art itself must be judged by a panel of no fewer than 10 board members of New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art. They’ll employ a classic 1–100 rating system that places equal merit on style, technique, and length. If the work is found sufficient (a cumulative score of 95 or above), only then will the suitor be allowed the privilege of apprenticing to a master artisan carpenter for a minimum of 2 years.

After the apprenticeship, the artist will then be qualified to handcraft their own (highly decorative) frame made of wood sourced from a Sequoia that the sender must have raised from seedling to mature tree, a process that will only take a surprisingly swift 12 years! Once the tree has been cut down BY HAND — and I mean, literally, using only hands , which will likely require 10 years or so of Shaolin Iron Hand training to really give someone a shot at a proper felling — then the completed and mounted art must be physically messengered to the recipient by a certified Dick Pic Messenger (DPM) service. None of these exist yet so that’s an entire industry the sender will need to finance and set up, bee tee dubs. I don’t have an estimate on the amount of time that could take, so…apologies.

The “package” must then be signed for by the intended lucky lady using a pen filled with ink made of blood that was drawn from and will be provided by — via a separate certified Wife’s Blood Messenger (WBM) service (also currently non-existent) — the sender’s wife, with her full and willing approval, the proof of which will be her own signed and notarized Letter of Consent. I think, to be fair, that one can just be done in regular ink.

Then yeah, that should be fine. Go ahead and send that dick pic.

Because we’ll know that you…you really meant it.*

*Also it’s none of my business.