Exodus

…Some time later the Lord said to Moses and Aaron:

“This month is to be the first day of the year for you. Tell the people of Israel that the head of each family must choose a lamb for his family to eat. If any family is too small to eat the whole animal, they must share it with their next door neighbours. It must be a one year old male and it must be large enough for everybody to have some of the meat.

Each family must take care of the animal until the fourteenth day, when the animals are to be killed. Some of the blood must be put on the two doorposts and above the door of each house where the animals are to be eaten. That night the animals are to be roasted and eaten together with bitter herbs and thin bread without yeast. The entire animal, including its head, legs and insides must be roasted. Eat what you want that night, and the next night burn whatever is left. When you eat the meal, be dressed and ready to travel.

That same night I will pass through Egypt and kill the first born son in every family and the first born male of all the animals. I am the Lord thy God and I will punish the Gods of Egypt. The blood on the houses will show me where you live, and when I see the blood I will pass over y — Moses, are you listening to me?”

“What?” Said Moses. “Oh, yes. Yes, sure. Yes.”

“Because this is important,” said the Lord. “Extremely important.”

“Yes, I know: important, very, extremely,” said Moses.

“So you are sure that you are listening.”

“Yes,” said Moses. “I said that I was listening and I am listening. I wouldn’t have said I was listening if I wasn’t listening. I’m listening. Jesus.”

“Okay, sorry,” said the Lord. “Yes, so: when I see the blood I will pass over — It’s just that it doesn’t look as if Aaron is listening and, as I was saying, this is incredibly important. Honestly.”

“I didn’t know I was supposed to be listening,” said Aaron. “Am I supposed to be listening?”

“It’s just that this is quite complicated and there are a few instructions, too. Important instructions. Do you need a pen and paper?”

“No,” said Moses.

“I’d feel a lot more comfortable if you had a pen and paper to write it down,” said the Lord.

“It’s all up here, honestly,” and Moses pointed to his head.

“Okay,” said God. “Where was I?”

“The bit about the goat and the thin bread or whatever.”

“Had I not mentioned the blood?” asked the Lord.

“Oh, yeah. Yes, yes you had. You’d mentioned the blood, sorry. You’d mentioned the blood.”

“So I don’t need to go over the blood again?”

“No, you don’t need to go over the blood again, you’re grand. Carry on.”

“You know what to do with the blood.”

“Yes.”

“And how important it is.”

“…Yes.”

And so, at midnight on the fourteenth day, the Lord passed over Egypt and killed the first born of every Egyptian family, and also the first born of every Hebrew family. Moses was very embarrassed and, the next morning, God picked a new prophet for his people.

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