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I’m in a weird time in my life. I’ve searched for more eloquent ways to say it, and each time I come up short.

I’m just in a weird time in my life.

I’ve known this for quite some time, but before today, I never accepted it, nor did I want to accept it.

Finally, it hit me. Yes, I am in a weird spot.

I am a pseudo-adult. I pretend each and every day that my life is together, that I am breathing success, that I’m confident, and I know what the hell I am doing with my life. And maybe I am just naive, but I don’t feel like I am alone here. It’s just that I feel alone because nobody will even hint that they are a blubbering mass such as me. I’m rambling now, let’s get back to it...

I’m in a weird time in my life. Namely, because I don’t know what my next step will be. I am constantly anxious about the next portion of my life. After I complete my Masters in biology, I have no idea what I am going to do, and that is why I am no rush to finish.

I don’t see an end goal. I don’t feel like success is something that I breathe. I don’t feel like I am living the life I need to feel “good.” Yet, I have no idea how to change that.

For those of you that say, quit your program, go live your life, travel! It’s not that simple. I am invested in what I am doing, both personally and academically. I cannot just pick up my stuff and say, “Deuces!” Traveling is out of the question because this girl cannot save enough money from each paycheck to even afford a cab fare.

I recently moved to Alaska and that is when things in my life got weirder. It is almost like I lost a piece of myself when I moved here. I now live in a city, something I never dreamed or hoped of doing, I sleep more than I am awake, and for many months, personal affection was not something that I knew anymore.

Luckily, things evened out when my significant other and kitty cat made the move here too, several months later. But when they moved out here, it was already too late. The little piece I still had for myself had vanished.

But, quite honestly, it is not that I am misfortunate, not in the slightest. I am loved, I am in a beautiful location, I have a roof over my head and food in my fridge. I am able to survive. I just wish I knew what to do with my body and soul.