Something about these little fuckers makes me feel like I am a soldier in the revolutionary war, sitting around a fire with men that I would inevitably die alongside, choking down my hardtack while I think about the raven-haired beauty I left back home, desperately clinging to the hope that she stays loyal to me.
Like, in a good way, though.
Belvita (alternatively, BelVita or belVita — they literally can’t make up their minds about this styling) breakfast biscuits have changed the way Allison Incorporated does business. In a way, they ground me in this realm. Sometimes, I like thinking about how fun life would be if I could just change forms at a moment’s notice: just vaporize myself until I am sweeping through the air like a noxious fart cloud. But Belvita breakfast biscuits make me think, hey, corporeal form isn’t so bad. At the very least, I think to myself, I will stick around in this garbage body until I am finished with these four “biscuits”.
I put the word biscuits in quotations because these are not biscuits. They are cookies. And I know the Belvita biscuits were originally introduced in France (I know this because I very smartly googled it). And sure, they do ridiculous things in Europe like calling cookies “biscuits”, but enough is enough. As soon as Nabisco and Kraft got their grubby little mitts on these cookies from God, they should have been rebranded. THIS IS NOT A BISCUIT. THIS IS A COOKIE. TELL ME MY DEEP AND TERRIBLE SHAME. I AM EATING COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST.
I bet you are thinking this: Allison, dear, foolish Allison, if they called them cookies, no one would buy them. It’s a branding and marketing thing, dear, sweet, idiot Allison. Wrong. Cookie Crisp is a CEREAL that has been around since the FUCKING 1970s, and that proves that people will eat cookies for any meal, no matter what you fucking call them.
Dear Belvita, since I am sure that at least one person from Belvita is reading this (as they do with all my content): please rebrand. Please call Belvita biscuits Health Cookies. TM TM TM. Belvita Health, Strength, and Vitality Cookies. I will respect you more for your honesty.
All this is to say: I love Belvita breakfast whatevers. They are so fucking good, and I would die for them. Today, I will be ranking them in order of how delicious they are, from pretty delicious to most delicious. I know that it is a bad idea to put food opinions on the internet, but I am a brave and stupid woman, and I fear nothing, except most everything.
(For the sake of my sanity, I will not be including Belvita Soft-Baked, Bites, or Sandwiches — these are all very important members of the Belvita family of products, but for this ranking, they do not exist to me. Thank you for your understanding in this matter.) (Also, I will be including limited edition flavors because I get to make up the rules. Thank you for your understanding in this matter.)
8. Golden oat
I mean, who didn’t see this coming? I actually had to go out and buy these to talk about them, just to confirm what I already knew. These are the only iteration that I feel earns the title “biscuit”, which robs Belvita Health, Strength, and Vitality Cookies of what makes me cherish them so much.
Fine with a cup of coffee. Better with a spiced tea. Absolutely unbearable with nothing to drink. 4/10 stars. Will not purchase again. Will perhaps raid from local abandoned WalMart in the event of a nuclear holocaust.
7. Cranberry orange
I feel as though I am a rarity in that I love cranberries. Cranberry flavoring in anything automatically improves whatever we’re discussing. Craisins are incredible, and I love cranberry sauce. Cranberry ginger ale? Wonderful for the holidays. I always buy it for my Christmas party. And uh…cranberry candy is one of my favorite recipes in Stardew Valley. I am a big cranberry fan. That much has been well demonstrated, I think.
And these are pretty good. Sweeter and less tart than I thought. Not bad at all, but goddamn the orange flavor is overwhelming. This isn’t the fault of the Belvita Health, Strength, and Vitality Cookies, of course. This is the nature of oranges: they overwhelm absolutely everything they’re in. I’ve only eaten one orange in my entire life, and it was ten years ago. The scent lingers, and I’m still paying for it to this day.
Anyway, these are good, not great. Good with both coffee and tea. Fine by themselves. 6/10 stars.
6. Toasted coconut
These taste like Banana Boat smells. Still kinda into them.
Good with coffee, good with tea. Eh. 6.5/10 stars.
5. Blueberry
Probably the most biased ranking here. I, myself, am not a huge blueberry fan. Do not start with me on this. They’re fine. They’re just not my favorite berry, okay? Get lost, scrub.
I do like these more than the other berry listing, so I think that makes me valid.
Very good with coffee, excellent with tea. Good on their own. 7.5/10 stars if you’re me. 10/10 if you’re my mom or like, probably one or more of the Tramas.
4. Limited edition pumpkin spice
Is this basic of me? Just kidding, I have never cared about being basic, just as I have never worried about being “cool”. I am the least cool human being on planet Earth, and I will take that title to my grave. Some of us just march to the beat of our own drums. Some of us enjoy holiday themed treats. I am included in both of these somes. Drums and treats. My thing.
Excellent with coffee or tea. Very good on their own. 8/10 stars. We love a pumpkin spice.
3. Chocolate
Oh, honey. Now we’re talking. These are descended from Heaven. These were what the fucking ten commandments were written on and about. You shall have no other cookies before me. Do not take Belvita’s name in vain. Crab rangoon, things of that nature.
(I was raised Catholic and my parents paid literal money to send me to CCD as a kid, and the nuns hated me and my sisters because my mother never got her first marriage annulled so we were technically illegitimate in the eyes of Sister Barbara, so I hope that absolves me from using the ten commandments blasphemously. I mean no harm. I just really like these cookies.)
Tastes like dessert, so excellent with coffee. Less so with tea, but better on their own than the pumpkin spice ones. 9/10 stars.
T-1. Limited edition gingerbread
I have less experience with these than I do with the rest of the Belvita line, which means that you should take this ranking seriously: these. fuckers. are. so. fucking. good. holy. shit.
Perfect with coffee, perfect with tea. I love them so much. I would pay any amount of money for these. I am addicted. I hope they add them to the year-long lineup. I might literally write a letter to them about this. 10/10 stars. God, please. Send me these, Belvita.
T-1. Cinnamon brown sugar
Old faithful. Old reliable.
Feels like coming home. Feels like a warm shower. Feels like someone you love playing with your hair. Feels like, holy shit, I don’t know. Feels like a really fucking good cookie.
Many people may feel this is a boring choice for number one, but guess what, it’s my ranking, and I’m the only correct person on the whole fucking internet, and also I am the only person who talks about these cookies, so it is my playground. Welcome to my twisted mind. I love cinnamon, I love brown sugar, I love the serotonin these bitches give me. I think I owe Belvita money for the therapy I’ve avoided just from eating these.
How could I give them a star ranking? How many stars in the sky? (Google tells me 100 thousand million of them. Well, 100 thousand million and one/10 stars. Fuck you, Milky Way.)
