The Philadelphia Flyers’ boys are the best boys: empirical evidence to suggest that literally we just breed ’em better here
Hello, my name is Allison, and this is a story about boys whose rights are owned by the Philadelphia Flyers organization of the National Hockey League. Spooky.
Why am I qualified to write this? The answer is that I am not. I have never met or spoken to any of these boys, and I don’t even know that much about the sport of ice hockey. Anyway. Nothing matters. Everyone passes through the veil. You’re still here. Here we go.
Broad Street Hockey, a failing website, recently published their ranking of the top 25 boys under 25 years of age in a series cleverly named “25 Under 25”. Catchy! Straight to the point! I like it. I will be discussing these 25 boys, and I will show you what they look like. Nothing in this will be beneficial to you at all. If you are here for information, look elsewhere. Anywhere else. I think you’d be more informed about hockey or hockey boys by the Wikipedia page for insecticide. (DDT actually has a pretty interesting page.)
25. Mark Friedman
Oh my fuckin’ god, I am the President, Vice President, Secretary, and Treasurer of the Mark Friedman is The Next Big Thing organization. I don’t fucking care about his hockey. He is beautiful and important to me.
Will he actually do anything with the Phantoms next season? Maybe? Probably not. But he’s perfect, and I’ll see him next year at dev camp despite the fact that he’ll be like, 22, and all will be well with the world. Fuck you. Stop ruining this for me.
24. Matthew Strome
Oh. Fuck. Yes. This is exactly my fuckin’ wheelhouse.
Matt Strome is the only important Strome in the universe. Ryan Strome? Shit. Dylan Strome? Career AHLer. MATT STROME? KING OF MY UNIVERSE.
I never thought I’d be here, defending, loving, and cherishing a Strome brother. But here I fuckin’ am. Kid’s got a face only a Me could love:
Matt Strome doesn’t have to skate. He doesn’t need that horse shit. Skating? In hockey? What are you, a fuckin’ coward?
T-22. Wade Allison
Okay, so Wade Allison has two things to note: he’s a fuckin’ FIRE ginger.
And also, his last name? It’s my first name. I’ve gotten a bunch of laughs from that (mostly from me). Like, it’s so funny. It’s such a fun little goof. I honestly sort of want him to pan out just based on the fact that I could get a jersey that had my first name on it. How wonderful. How fun!
(Allison Note: Wade Allison recently has been kinda buckwild on twitter in a bad way, so I renounce him being an Allison, he’s currently a No One. Like Arya in GoT but like, worse. And maybe a little racist.)
T-22. Pascal Laberge
I love this boy. I am so biased towards this French boy. This poor concussed boy. I don’t know when he was drafted, and I don’t care. I want him to succeed more than anyone else besides Michael Raffl. Did you read his Players Tribune? I cried. I am an easy crier, but I cried. I think you will too.
Let’s all pray for Pascal, the sweet baby chameleon, and his success. If he can do it, so can we.
21. Mikhail Vorobyev (or -ov, perhaps)
I know absolutely zip about Vorobyev. I can’t even spell his name. And like, that’s an issue. I can spell all of their names. I don’t know why everyone loves this boy, and why I have no fuckin’ clue who he is. Is it because he’s Russian? Maybe? I guess? Sure. But like, I love plenty of Russians. This particular boy is definitely my blind spot, and it makes me sad because I hate blind spots. I am already very bad at seeing.
Charlie and Kurt like him, so I guess I do too, but like…whom is he? What are his motivations? His goals? His strengths, weaknesses? Emotions? What color is this boy’s aura?
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: I know absolutely nothing about hockey. I don’t have a platform on BSH because I’m smart. I have a platform because The Great and Powerful SBNation Overlords want to capitalize on page views to article titles such as “Six reasons why Shayne Gostisbehere is objectively better than Connor McDavid”.
Mikhail seems like a very nice, soft boy, and from what I’ve seen, looks like a very good hockey player. (In preparation for this, I watched a “top five plays” video on Youtube. Not top five plays in general. Top Five Mikhail Plays. He looks like he’s got Danny Briere hands, smart and quick, especially up close where Briere used to shine. That’s where Vorobyev shines too. Anyway, no one cares what I actually think about hockey.)
Mayhaps I have undersold this boy previously. Let’s hope he pans out, solely that I can have a Danny surrogate.
20. Isaac Ratcliffe
Oh, that’s a big boy, huh. Oh, that is one big, big boy.
I have truly nothing to say about Isaac Ratcliffe. He is just too big to comprehend with my tiny mind. Apparently he is good at hockey, or so they tell me. I will never know.
19. Alex Lyon
Yes! This boy! One of the greats! If by greats, we are talking solely about faces. My God, he’s got a good face.
Holy fudge, look at him! Don’t you just wanna smile! A ray of sunlight. Brows perfect, looking fine even with that scraggly beard combo. A beautiful boy, indeed. He is a fine goaltender, but that doesn’t even matter. LOOK AT HIS FACE. HE’S BEAUTIFUL, STEVE.
A fun side note: I googled Alex Lyon to steal a picture from Google Images of that beautiful, soft faced boy we all know and love, and guess what? He and his son have a contracting business in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. How serendipitous! The world truly is very teeny tiny. I wonder if Bobert Ryan has contacted our very fine goaltender boy for some reno work.
18. Mike Vecchione
Wowzers, I love Mike Vecchione. I love him so bad. My dad once called him “Ghost’s buddy” and man, I gotta tell you, I thought that was very cute.
For some reason, I feel like a lot of fans dislike Michael Vecchione, and for the life of mine, I can’t think of why. He just just a greasy young man trying to make it in this big scary world. Who can’t empathize with that which is at the core of the human experience?
I am very excited for Mr. Vecchione Jr. to bring a whole lot of good to the table next season! Hah, more like bring a whole lot of good to the ice! Man, I love this sport of hockey. Don’t you?
(Do you think Mike Vecchione has used dry shampoo? I feel like that’s a thing a lot of dudes don’t use and maybe even don’t know about [I could be wrong? Even though that’s never happened before]. I still feel like Michael might have a dry shampoo stashed in his medicine cabinet or something. Just a hunch.)
17. Taylor Leier
The tale of MinVin is long, and it is tortured, but it is a beautiful song that deserves to be sung. Taylor Leier’s full Christian name is Taylor Vincent Leier. That’s right. He took his father’s first name as a middle name. His dad is Vincent Lecavalier. You may have heard of him before. He was a Lightning and then he was a Flyer and then he was a King and then he died and pretended the second two things never happened.
Taylor Leier is the second coming of Vincent Lecavalier, and we know this because he looks kinda like him. Except even better looking!
Stanley Cup here we come! Might as well stamp my name on the cup. Allison Jenkins, Team Hug Advisor. Stanley Cup Champion. Sounds so good!
16. Morgan Frost
Morgan Frost still has fuckin’ braces, so just like…who cares if he’s good at hockey or not?
He’s a cutie pie baked at 350 degrees for about 50–60 minutes until golden and bubbly!
15. Felix Sandstrom
Seems like a nice boy. Face: a little funny. Like, still handsome, but a little funny. What is it about this face that I can’t quite place? Oh. He looks like a fuckin’ lemur.
Seems like a good goalie baby as far as anyone can tell. I hope he works out. Nonetheless, wanna feel like you’re on meth? Please click below.
14. Anthony Stolarz
Ever seen Prometheus? I watched it in theaters when it came out. I’d never seen an Alien movie before that because like, at the time, I was not a person who enjoyed…uh, scary things. I don’t know if you could tell or not, but I’m much more a Brooklyn 99 type of person at heart. (Also, I just wanna say like, and this has nothing to do with Alien or hockey or anything I’m even talking about really, but I just wanna say it: jump scares should be banned. They have never once enhanced anything. They are cheap, and they are bad. Just wanted to say this. Ban jump scares.)
Everyone hated Prometheus, I guess, but I really liked it! Maybe it was because I didn’t have too much background knowledge of the Alien series besides like, what I gathered from the Great Movie Ride in Disney, but I thought it was really good!
Anyway, Anthony Stolarz looks like one of the Creators from Prometheus is what I’m trying to say.
13. Robert Hagg
Robert Hagg has been in the Flyers system since I was born, but honestly, that’s just an exaggeration for comedic purposes. People are waiting for players like Momo and Haggard to finally start paying off, but with too many good boys in the system as it stands, Robert almost certainly will not be on the Flyers next season.
Nothing matters, though. He’s fine. I can barely remember him except for that one picture the @Flyers gave to us.
I wonder if he will make it to the Big League That We Call The NHL. No one knows!
12. Scott Laughton
Scott Laughton has murdered at least one person in his lifetime, and I’m not trying to add my name to his count.
A fine man. I will say no more on the matter. I’m not gettin’ got. No fuckin’ way.
11. German Rubstov
People have said that this sweet, perfect boy’s nickname should be The Germ? Disgusting. Rot in hell. That’s terrible. A sweet, perfect boy like German deserves a sweet, perfect nickname to fit his steeze.
Do I know what that nickname should be? No, of course not. I’m not an ideas girl. I’m a feelings girl. I’m an emotions woman. Don’t come to me for anything but pure, raw id. Claude Giroux is the ego, Ron Hextall the superego.
I want German to do well because otherwise, I have to think about how Julien Gauthier went literally ONE SPOT ahead of our pick. Fuck. Fuck. I hate the Carolina Hurricanes, and if I hear another fuckin’ Philly stat nerd say one nice thing about that shit organization, I’m gonna blow my brainium out.
10. Carter Hart
All you need to know about this kid is that he is absolutely, one hundred percent, no doubt in my fuckin’ mind, a bastard son of Michael Raffl. Please. Look at these pictures. Just look at em.
Explain to me how they’re both not Michael Raffl. Tell me. I just literally don’t fuckin’ get it. They look too damn similar. I’m so angry and upset. Carter Hart is a good goalie or whatever, Number One Hockey Boy and Canada’s Red-Headed Step Child, but good Lord, if this kid makes it? I will fucking eat my hat. There can be only one highlander.
9. Sam Morin
Everything good about the world is Sam Morin. I mean, not everything but most things. He is a very big man, and he is fine at hockey, but more importantly, have you seen that snap of him not knowing the word brunch?
He loves breakfast, but doesn’t know brunch? He’s gonna be so happy when he finds out. This ends my section on Sam Morin.
8. Philippe Myers
All the odds were stacked against this physically gifted, incredibly talented and smart boy. Phil Myers was not supposed to succeed. But here he is! Number 8! Jesus Christ, I’m just welling right the fuck up with tears. He is my son. My true born son. I know this because one time he favorited a tweet about me and Alex being team moms, which is close the fuck enough and you can’t take this away from me.
My entire future rests on Phil Myers’s beautiful wide shoulders, so for that reason and many, many others, I need him to be a Flyers from now until I’m dead.
7. Oskar Lindblom
Man, it’s so nice to have a Swedish forward around the house!
Every single stat nerd has convinced me that Oskar will score a hundred points next season, so I’m super psyched to be let down by him. Regardless, he is so sweet and so very blond. It’ll be dope having him on the squad.
6. Travis Sanheim
Travis Sanheim is coming to the NHL this season based on how I feel, and he is coming to protect his throne of Rosiest Cheeks. Nolan Patrick? Piss off, you child. Travis Sanheim was the original.
I am so pumped for Sanheim to be a Flyers, and people keep saying that it might be this season! Wow! That would be just delightful. He’s kinda goofy looking, but that only adds to how much I love him. Li’l String-bean Gumby lookin’ fuck. Bless his heart.
(Allison Note: Just felt a giant, overwhelming need to clarify that I do not actually want Nolan Patrick to piss off anywhere. It was a goof. I already feel bad about it. Please save us, Nolan. You’re our only hope.)
5. Travis Konecny
Travis Konecny is a small angry man, and he will not hesitate to end you or your line. The Scott Laughton stuff before? Child’s play. Travis Konecny may be slight, but holy fuck, you better not step to this boy. People think of him as like, soft? Or like, kind or whatever? In what fuckin’ universe, my dude?
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again here: I’m confident that, if legal, Travis Konecny would hunt humans for sport. Hell, maybe even if it wasn’t legal? Has he done this already, and we’re just…blissfully unaware? Fuck. That’s some chilling shit. Anyway, he’s really good at hockey.
T-3. Shayne Gostisbehere
Remember when Ghost was a rookie? Remember that magical run? Fuck. I don’t know that I’ve ever been so happy in my life. Everything was just so sick and awesome all the time. This may be the rose-tinted glasses, but I feel like basically no one had any problems during that time? We need to recapture that essence, that spirit. I felt so free. I felt so alive.
The Flyers gave Ghost money this off-season and I, for one, couldn’t be happier about it. Give him as much money as possible, in my opinion! He will take his friends on dinner dates, buy his dogs nice things, and look beautiful in the process.
T-3. Nolan Patrick
me: [chanting] new. boy. new. boy. NEW. BOY. NEW. BOY. NEW! BOY! NEW! BOY!!!
I love this new boy. Our savior boy. The wheat king that was promised. I am so happy I got to live long enough to see the day when Ronald Hextall called his sweet, sweet name.
Remember how fuckin’ goofy it was when people were talking about how, like, maybe it was a bad idea to draft him or something? God. How fuckin’ silly. I’m just laughing. It’s fuckin’ Nolan Patrick, and he was gently placed in our thankless laps. We got him! Jesus Christ! Be happy about this shit! I know it’s like, weird, but it’s fine. You’re allowed to feel joy about shit.
I can’t wait for this very good boy to do lots of nice things for our hockey team.
2. Sean Couturier
I have two stable men in my life: my dad and Sean Couturier. I literally can’t think of a third. Maybe my brother-in-laws? I guess? I don’t count them.
Sean Couturier has been a good Flyer since I can remember, and people still love to give him shit. For why? Literally why? Youse aren’t ever satisfied. Allison, he’s not good. Like, nah, fuck you. He’s great, and actually? You are the bad one.
I trust him with my life. And everyone should just back the fuck off. He should be the least of your fuckin’ concerns.
- Ivan Provorov
Ivan Provorov? Oh, Ivan? THE Ivan Provorov?
MAN. MYTH. LEGEND. BEAUTY. STAR. ICON.
It’s so fucking shocking to me that people around the league don’t get how special this boy is. Fuck, he’s so good! It makes me very angry thinking about how he doesn’t get credit for being as good as he is. Be nicer to him! He deserves mountains of praise! Look at him! Look at the way he is!
I don’t have much more to say about Ivan that isn’t effusive and unnecessary physical, mental, and emotional praise. He is just…the purest boy. We are so lucky, and half of us don’t even get it.
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