Today’s Losers: The Edmonton Oilers

Welcome back! See, I know I’m not always honest here on the internet, but I promised that I’m doing it, so doing it I am. All season long, baby. I’m hungry. I’m thirsty. I’m eager to ream some assholes.

Ready? I knew that you were.

Last time on “Flyers vs. Oilers”:

The Flyers last played the Oilers back in February, and because I barely remember my own name, birthday, and social, let alone the score and details of a hockey game between an ultra-meaningless, mess of a hockey team and their northern counterparts, I had to get a little refresher about this game.

Apparently, the Oilers won. 6–3 was the score. “Connor McDavid did his talking on the ice” said this Edmonton Journal recap, which I would imagine is where most hockey players do their talking since that’s where their job is, but I digress.

This was the long awaited rematch of the Flyers and Oilers after the amazing 6–5 Flyers win in December that saw Connor McDavid confronting Brandon Manning for the injury he sustained (at the latter’s hand?) a month prior. That confrontation then led to him Crucible-ing Brandon Manning after the game in a legitimately bizarre, if hilarious fashion. He was so mad. This is the only tweet worth a shit concerning the whole affair:

Scott is very good.

Right, so, Edmonton got their revenge, I guess. I still don’t understand how Connor McDavid could possibly have thought, at any point in time, that the play he was injured on was an intentional way to harm him. It just don’t make no goddamn sense, but whatever. These are the faces of our league, and we must accept them.

Since then:

Like I said, it’s been quite a while since the Flyers last faced the Oilers, and in those months, the Oilers made franchise history for not picking first overall for the first time ever! Yours truly had an exclusive interview with Gary Bettman in which he reported “my baby’s all grown up!” You could really feel the joy in the atmosphere, the pride beaming off him. It was quite an accomplishment for the team, and honestly, I think we should all just be really happy for them and for the good work they’ve done. I made this banner for them:

Flyers, on the other hand, moved from 13 to 2 in the draft, and Nolan Patrick fell directly from heaven into our warm, loving embrace. Not a lot of people remember that.

Why we hate the Edmonton Oilers:

Point 1: They smell
I know. I’m as shocked as you are. It’s true, though. They reek. The body odor surrounding this team is thick enough that you couldn’t even cut through it with a machete. It’s tangible. You can physically reach out and touch their stink lines as they float off into the atmosphere. Yeesh. Anyone on this squad ever hear of soap? I just hope the Flyers don’t come away from this smelling as bad as the Oilers.

Point 2: They’re the Penguins, but ineffectual and Canadian 
I don’t know that there’s much to add here. Like diet coke and coke zero. Just as soulless and ugly with none of the success. And before someone says it, yeah, I do remember Wayne Gretzky. Dude looks like a phone book left out in the rain which was then promptly fed through a rusted paper shredder. Don’t talk to me about the fuckin’ 80s. I don’t care about the 80s. I’ve never cared. Taylor Hall is a New Jersey Devil, and your fuckin’ awful team is to blame. How’s it feel, dummies? Now they’ve got two of your number one overalls.

Point 3: Orange
Yeah, I’ve said it before and yeah, I’ll say it again. I’ll say it until I’m Edmonton Oilers Blue in the face: any NHL team besides the Flyers using orange is copyright infringement. I trademarked orange in 1966, and like Maleficent rolling up to Aurora’s birthday party uninvited, unwelcome, and dressed in regalia, I imparted upon them a gift, but instead of like, a curse that she just says is a gift, I gave them an actual gift: I generously bestowed that trademark upon the baby Philadelphia Flyers organization. Call me Beneficent, idiot. Orange belongs to the Flyers, fair and square. But sure, the law doesn’t matter, does it, Edmonton?

That’s not all, though. They gotta steal intellectual property too! Orange crush ring any bells, you heathens? I’m so tired of this tomfoolery. Go back to bronze, you hokey shitstains.

Edmonton Oiler boy I hate most:

Oh, easy. Ryan Nugent-Hopkins.

Something about his face just really makes me mad. I’m sure he’s a fine dude or whatever (I’m not sure of this), but like, I just don’t like the cut of his jib. He wouldn’t like the cut of my jib either, judging from his snooty face, so I think we’re even.

Also, look at this fuckin’ shit:

excuse me?

Whaaaaaaat the fuck!

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT THE FUCK!

Jesus Christ, I honestly remembered this and thought “No, that absolutely must have been a fever dream. There is no way, in this reality, in this thread of existence, that Ryan Nugent Hopkins did a Cirque du Soleil thing. There’s no way. It’s too good, it’s too weird. It’s too much. It’s too much. The bell I keep in the attic would have rang thrice and then turned to ash. This couldn’t be real.”

But it wasn’t a fever dream. It was real. And yeah, it’s just as embarrassing as it looks.

What we’re not gonna do:

What we’re not gonna do? We’re not gonna talk about Brandon Manning. Get all your daddy jokes out now. We’re better than this. The joke’s been dead. You know it, I know it. We all know it. Let’s start fresh. Let’s get creative. Let’s do something unexpected, and be interesting. Let’s talk about Travis Sanheim. For one, he’s good at hockey. For two, he hasn’t blocked me on Twitter yet. For three, I think his pink cheeks are very cute. I don’t know where the joke is here, but I’m sure we’ll find it somewhere. If not, maybe we’ll become friends with Connor! The true joke was friendship all along.

Ultimate aim of the game:

Get Patrick Maroon to regret being born, one way or another.


Youse think Connor McDavid is still mad, like in some secret part of himself? Probably not, right? I mean, he’s got a lot of other shit going on in his life. Lots of Canadian Tire commercials and the like. Still, I’m pretty confident he’s gonna whine about something tonight. We’ll see if my premonition comes true. In short, fuck the Edmonton Oilers. Go Flyers.

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