Tonight’s Losers: The Ottawa Senators

Jesus Christ, I might as well just leave this thing blank.

The Ottawa Senators have a great history of being the most upsettingly boring team in the known universe. They aren’t just boring. They’re the type of boring that actively atrophies your body, mind, and soul. They rot away the goodness inside you. They let the joy and happiness crystallize, iridescent and lovely, until they can chip away at it, leaving you empty and without meaning. The Ottawa Senators are mind-numbingly awful, top to bottom, and I wish they would cease to exist, if not from the league and the world as we know it, then simply from my life.

I know what you’re thinking because I’m a fuckin’ genius. “Allison,” you say, “everyone says that.” Well, everyone is right, idiot. “Allison,” you say, “the Devils are more boring.” Wrong. The Ottawa Senators have held The Most Boring crown for longer than any of us have ever known or been aware of.

Last time on “Flyers vs. Senators”:

Last March, the Flyers beat the Senators in overtime, 3–2. Christ, I don’t even wanna write this. I can’t think of a single way to make a Senators game fun or interesting. The Flyers won the game, and I still don’t wanna do this.

I mean, they’re the wet blanket team that manages to smother Erik Karlsson’s fun. He is the only player that redeems the Ottawa Senators and still, I forget about him like, once a month. Like, oh, who? Oh, fuck. That’s right. Erik Karlsson: two time Norris winner. HOW IS THAT A THING THAT IS POSSIBLE? I am not a stupid person. I am an exceedingly average person. I know the stars of this league. Erik Karlsson is undoubtedly a star of this stupid league. The Ottawa Senators manage to shroud him in this impenetrable fog of grey sludge, something hanging over the Swede like a cloud of smoke. Ick. You almost feel bad for the guy.


The Flyers were in the hunt for the second wildcard spot at this point, and the Senators were, holy shit, somehow in competing for first in the Atlantic? That seems…incorrect. Even if the Senators were good (they weren’t and aren’t), that seems wrong. The Senators should absolutely always be struggling the keep their heads above water, professionally and financially. They should never go above 15th in the league. That’s where they belong. League mandate. Sorry, kids.

Again, anyway.

The Senators managed to fuck it up. Craig Anderson, who I actually like, made a big goof on the Jorman Weal goal and my heart went all fuzzy like television static. Jorman tied the game, and actually scored the game winner in the shootout! Good for the boy. Very big game for him.

Since then:

The Flyers did not make playoffs, and the Senators did. Which is just like, a real fuckin’ kick to the testicles as far as the grand scheme of things goes.

Objectively, the Senators were good last year. Like, I shouldn’t say they weren’t good. I shouldn’t, but I will. Subjectively, they were fuckin’ terrible. I hate the Ottawa Senators, and they didn’t deserve this playoff berth. The Atlantic division was fuckin’ preschool apparently. The Bruins were asleep except for when they need to ruin the Flyers dreams, the Leafs were a bunch of 12 year olds, and the Canadiens were themselves. Human scum.

Sure, they managed to bring it to Game 7 double OT with the Penguins. Sure, good for them. They did, however, fuck it up, so…not too much credit there.

To put it in perspective, I really wanted the Senators to win. I mean, literally it’s all I wanted at that point. I hate the Senators, but the Penguins are evil incarnate, so I threw my proverbial weight behind this team. You wanna see how enthusiastic I got about them winning a game? Not just winning a game, winning a game to force Game 7?

I think that sums it up.

Why we hate the Ottawa Senators:

Point 1: They’re the Ottawa Senators.
Like, whoever named this team should be shot. Is that too harsh? I don’t care. They’re the fuckin’ SENATORS. Ottawa is so fuckin’ sensitive about being a monstrous concoction of Montreal Light and Toronto Light that they had to remind everyone that they’re technically the capital. (This goes for the Washington Capitals, too. Are youse okay? Capitals? Disgusting.)

The word Senators has never, ever, ever been a happy word. It has never carried a positive connotation. And guess what? It still doesn’t.

Point 2: Erik Karlsson’s tumblr ruined my life. 
This should be a point that is lost to time, but I never forget and I never surrender. Erik Karlsson had a tumblr, and it was truly horrendous. Shadow lands of tumblr aside, this was not good content. It was so weird. And people were just like, falling all over themselves to become friends with Erik Karlsson. I can’t believe that was something that happened in real life. He was a caricature of a person. It was so long ago, and I can barely remember any of it, but at first, I was endeared by it. Everyone was! It was like a whirlwind! After a while, though, it was so saccharine that I started just ending posts with “shut the fuck up, Erik Karlsson.” He blocked me, which, you know, was probably a good decision by him, but it ruined my future, so now he’s indebted to me.

Point 3: Cody Ceci. 
Cody Ceci was crafted by God. Cody Ceci is proof that God exists. Intelligent creator, whatever you wanna call it…they’re there. They’re looking out for us. Cody Ceci is a real person who exists in this world. Fuck. I can’t believe he has to be an Ottawa Senator. This wasn’t part of God’s plan. You know that guy, though. So laissez-faire about shit. Cody Ceci deserves better. He deserves to be a Flyers! I can’t believe we stand for this injustice. Look at his mug!

i wanna cut my hand on his jaw

This picture is from a while ago, but…the point stands. His fucking BONE STRUCTURE. CHRIST. I’d like to get familiar with his bone structure, haha. Ay. I’m sorry. Bad joke.

His new haircut is atrocious, yet he still manages to look incredibly perfect and good. I can’t believe this. I need to take a walk.

Ottawa Senators boy I hate the most:

I legitimately don’t know. I don’t know what boy I hate the most. They all blend together in this weird, mushy, complicated mess. I’m trying to name the Senators in my head. The ones I’ve already talked about, good. I’m assuming Craiggers is still on the team. So that’s three I’ve got. Alex Chiasson isn’t there anymore, is he? Holy fuck, no, he plays for the Capitals? Yikes-a-rooni. Missed that one. Okay, so still three. Uh, there’s, um…the one the Flyers always fight. Fuck, what’s his name? Shit. OH! Yes, of course. KYLE TURRIS.

Time for a very good meme by me.

The Flyers whenever they see Turris:

Okay, so I’ve named four Ottawa Senators. Borowiecki. He gets mad penalties. Nailed it. Five. Bobby Ryan is also still a Senator, so six. I’ve named six. I’ve got six. Where is my prize? This team is so fuckin’ boring. No one matters.

Every single boy on this team is the boy I hate most. Let it be known that this is only time the Senators will ever sweep something.

What we’re not gonna do:

We’re not gonna talk about the Senators. At all. I can’t fuckin’ handle it. I’ve spent upwards of one thousand words discussing these fucking morons, so even one mention of this team is gonna set me the fuck off. If NBCSN Philly or NBC Philly or CSN NBC Philadelphia or whatever the fuck the new name is doesn’t blur out every Senator and doesn’t wholesale refrain from talking about them at all, even in passing, I will just go absolutely fucking nuts.

Send the Ottawa Senators to hell, or Radko Gudas and I will send them there ourselves.

Ultimate aim of the game:

I’m lazy, so have a tweet from last year.

All offense this time, though.

Last game was a fuckin’ nightmare on ice, so if we screw this up, this joke of a game against a joke of a franchise, I’m not joking, I’m gonna write an Op-Ed for Broad Street Hockey about how this city deserves to be nuked. In short, fuck the Ottawa Senators, fuck them so hard. Go Flyers.

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