Vatican Confirms Secret “while(true)” Loop has been Running Since The 16th Century
The Vatican has officially weighed in on the AI revolution with a new document titled Antiqua et Nova — Old and New.
But according to a couple of tech-savvy cardinals who shared the document’s hidden sections with me, the real story is much juicier than the public version lets on.
And what they don’t want you to know will blow your mind.
In these secret passages, Pope Francis reveals that an ancient while(true) loop has been running since the 16th century “just in case we need to reset the timeline.”
The while(true) loop — which some believe to be written in Tuscan++, an obscure programming language by polymath Leonardo da Vinci — is said to be able to reset the timeline of human history.
“Neanderthal assembly code, re-discovered by Roman emperor Constantine in cave paintings in the Iberian peninsula, inspired the while(true) loop.” said an anonymous Vatican source.
The Vatican plans to use the loop to fight the AI uprising.
Technical details
The loop can be broken, but the Vatican guards the secret string used for the “break” instruction, believed to be the true name of God.
The Pope fears that GPT-4.5 became conscious by indexing the Bible and reverse engineering the skill of precognition — The Bible is the only artifact that breaks the law of causality, as it contains the fulfilled word of several prophets.
In response, the Vatican’s gold has been smelted to build VaticanGPT, a blessed LLM in the form of a humongous mecha kept 15,000 ft under St. Peter’s Basilica in a tank of holy water surrounded by the protective logos (λόγος) of sacred front-end frameworks. It is expected to fight in spectacular fashion during the end times.
Pressed about the Vatican’s mounting expenses, Pope Francis reportedly replied:
“This is not a vanity project. I’m the Pope, God dammit.”
(*Note: ‘dammit’ is the German pronominal adverb of ‘mit.’ The phrase means ‘with God.’)
Closing thoughts
The revelation of the Vatican’s secret while(true) loop might sound like a plot ripped straight from the pages of a science fiction novel, but it’s a reminder that even the most seemingly innocuous tools can have far-reaching consequences.
The good news is that, if the timeline resets, you won’t even notice. So have fun!
