WE HAVE MADE SCIENCE
A scientific paper parody
We Have Made Science!
by
Grad student who’s doing their best without any help,
Post Doc who kinda cares only because the professor doesn’t,
Person who sat in on the meetings, Person who sat in on the meetings, Person who’s on the grant, Super helpful lab tech,
Vaguely problematic older professor whose name will get the paper in a good journal,
Assistant professor who hasn’t slept since they got the job
Abstract
Science is very important. It has been studied for many years, yet no one has studied this science. It is the most beautiful science, it is our child. In this paper, we prove that we have made science. It is the best science that there ever was, also there are many, many caveats.
Introduction
Science is of increasing interest. There are so many scientists. They all make science, but it’s not the right science. The only right science is our science.
In the beginning, there was a dark era of wizards and dinosaurs. Then came science. The first scientist was an amoeba. The second scientist was a rock. Then came more scientists. Some of the authors of this paper are rocks. Here is the one paper everyone cites from the dark era.
Nothing happened using this science until yesterday when 4000 papers were posted on Arxiv. The post doc skimmed them for 27 minutes while working on 4 other papers and is sure that only one is relevant. That paper is miscited here.
In this paper, we show that we have made three contributions:
1. We changed one variable in an equation we already know how to solve, then solved it again.
2. We find many spurious correlations that are still significant.
3. We show we know how to use words like teleology and resilience.
Results
Look at this dog.
It has a p-value of .051. That’s trending towards significance and you should care. It’s also resilient, because we gave it food late once and it was still such a good dog, yes it was.
Look at this cat.
It has a p-value of .0501, so it’s trending harder towards significance. You should care more. It’s not resilient because it doesn’t like Gary.
Look at this goldfish.
It has a p-value of 10^-1000 and shouldn’t be in this paper because we didn’t include it in our experiments. We don’t know how it got here, it just showed up. We’re very excited. Urm, sorry, not passive enough. This paper is now shown to be groundbreaking because it has the smallest p-value ever recorded.
Discussion
These results show that we have made the best science. However, these results are also the worst results.
These results might be wrong because:
- All authors are one publication away from perishing.
- No one in the academy sleeps.
- The grad student didn’t actually follow the experimental procedure.
- The post doc didn’t actually check that the grad student followed the procedure.
- The assistant professor didn’t actually check that the post doc has a future.
- The senior professor didn’t open any of the emails and doesn’t know the paper exists.
The opposite of these results are true if:
- There’s a new moon.
- You make awkward eye contact with someone while you walk by them in a hallway.
- Someone in Cincinnati thinks about getting a ferret in the next month.
- We feel like it.
These results are directly contradicted by
REDACTED BY AUTHORS
Methods
The experiments were run in a state-of-the-art facility that only the top 5 universities can afford, where we can control the individual molecules entering the testing area to make sure they don’t have bad vibes. All participants were white undergraduates whose parents are worth 20 million USD or more. All toilets were gold. All experimenters covered themselves in teleology and calf’s blood before performing experiments. If you don’t do any of these things, the science won’t work.
Conclusion
This paper has shown that science will never be the same because of all the science we made. Ignore all the caveats that we provided and cite this paper as much as possible.
Reviewer 2 Response
Why isn’t there a llama?!?!?! Reject.
Hi, I’m Sebastian. I write about the many things that interest me and make beautifully stupid stuff like this story.
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