Dear Future Partner,

I’m a person of depth, but I can be overly-sensitive. I listen well and want to hear about your life, but sometimes I withdraw and don’t share, because I don’t think you want to hear about my life — a lot of it has been ugly and hard and I want you to think of me as happy.

I require a lot of affection and sex, but I don’t want you to think I’m needy. I’m embarrassed by my sexuality sometimes, but I want to try everything and I need you to be open to physical exploration. Please enjoy getting and giving head. I love dirty talk and to be overwhelmed. I can never get enough kissing. I think I’m pretty, but I’d love it if you’d help me remember that. And please, don’t be a gym rat. Let’s just age gracefully and with humor.

I have two boys who are my priority (natch), but I am my own priority too. I will always be available for them, but I won’t sacrifice my own well-being on the alter of motherhood.

I want a travel partner, but sorry, I don’t camp. I can go fancy or I can go on a shoestring, but I want to travel. I enjoy other cultures and landscapes and find travelling to be invigorating. India is high on my list of places to visit and I’d love to spend 3 or 4 weeks there with you.

I’m a feminist and the current political climate has reawakened my social justice senses. I’m angry at the patriarchy and racism and small-mindedness. I want you to challenge my perspective but to ultimately understand that the world is fucked up and work with me to affect change. That change starts with how we treat everyone we interact with — I want you to be kind to me and to all kinds of people.

I love my job, but I also want to complain about it. I’ve worked there a long time and I have my frustrations, but please don’t take that to mean I want to leave it (although we can always talk about that eventuality) or that you have to fix it. I want to know details about your professional life and you should feel fulfilled in your work too. I have a thing for creative types — so if you’re artist, that’s a plus.

I’m a culture vulture, and love/love/love the theater. Movies, television, music, museums, — I’m in! I could enjoy all of this with my fantastic girlfriends, but I’d be super-psyched if you would join me at least occasionally. To be fair, you should know this: I’m NOT a sports lover (see camping), but I like a baseball game occasionally (’cause I like the atmosphere of the stadium). You can like sports, but you shouldn’t be obsessive about it, and let’s be clear: if you like football or boxing, we’re just not a match. I think they’re barbaric. Sorry/not sorry.

It would mean a lot to me if you’d clean-up nice and meet my family and friends. I’m not overly attached to my family, but there are annual functions that I’d like to show you off at — they’d like to make sure I’m happy. You should be able to make some small talk with them. My friends are wonderful and important to me. I’d love for you to like them too (which shouldn’t be too hard) and I promise to return these favors with your people. I know your Mom will love me!

I’m Jewish and mildly observant. I like to light candles on shabbat and attend high holiday services, but I don’t think you need to be Jewish too (after all, we’re not having kids). Whatever you believe and/or practice, it’s cool with me, but know this now: I’m not having a Christmas tree in my house — that’s a deal breaker.

I’m fucking funny. I love that about myself. If you’re funny too — awesome, but you need to appreciate how funny I am. The older I get, the more important this aspect of my personality is to me.

I love Gay men. They love me. You’ve gotta be more than okay with this.

I inhale pop culture. It’s a hobby with me. You gotta know the major players in order for us to jive. Same goes for current events.

I think your name might be David — not sure why, but I’ve always kind of thought that might be your name. And if you were a black man, it’d be a constant turn on. I don’t think this is just a fetish, but I’d talk about it if you want. Glasses — yes/Bald — yes/Beard — yes/Height — no preference.

Are you out there? I’m not sure what our future holds. Can’t really imagine getting married again and I don’t think I want to live together, but otherwise, I’d like to intertwine my life with yours.

Your future partner,

Secretme

xxx/ooo

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