Signs of Singledom

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Being single comes with unique characteristics

This is how you can spot me among my more dateable/marriageable contemporaries. Photography Credit: www.gratisphotography.com

“Are you single?”

In the right context it’s a promising question. It was half term Friday. I was mid-ludicrous story and being loud and drunk, when a relative stranger inquired into my relationship status. All it took were these four words to turn that my smile into my ‘I wish I could stab you with my eyes’ look:

Please, explain why. I dare you.

What the hell does ‘single’ look like? Say it!

“I can see why.”

You’ve seen it in movies when someone says the wrong thing; the scratch of vinyl as a record comes to an abrupt halt. That pin drop silence.

What the fuck did he mean by that?

Am I single because of my behaviour? Was he implying I had no choice in being single?

No, he meant it in the good way. There’s a good way. The “No man could handle you!” way.

It was fast becoming clear to me that this guy a) had archaic notions about the liveliness of a woman being directly proportional to how likely she is to be available and b) wanted to be kicked in the crotch.

I didn’t get it. He was recently divorced. (You can see why. I mean that in the good way.) He didn’t fall into his own labelling system. Perhaps marriage had made him docile and lacking in personality, thus more likely to take a bride.

Maybe he was onto something though. What if I do have distinguishing features that set me apart from women more likely to take a groom/partner?

I used to think I was just a fun loving, alcohol abusing, wiseass. Little did I know I was just manifesting the symptoms of being single and incapable of being domesticated.

Perhaps single people everywhere are subtly evolving. We have the ability to be shown a genital shot at any time without flinching. Eventually, I’ll have evolved physically to have extra long arms, so I can zip up my own dresses.

Lord, knows I can already eat a meal for two by myself.

One day in the future we’ll all develop Tinder shaped birthmarks about our person, that will fade along with our personalities when we meet our match. You know the one who is out there somewhere, waiting (knowing my luck, in the bushes).

Maybe then people won’t ask me stupid questions and waste my hard earned drinking time.

Photography credit: http://www.gratisphotography.com


Originally published at runslikeabeigegirl.wordpress.com on October 22, 2016. Edited 21st May, 2017.