Lies, consequences and more math.

I decide that I will take the advice of my well-meaning friends and satisfy my curiosity about online dating. (Drumroll please.)

I pick a dating site based on market intelligence that says it has the best algorithms. Yes, that’s why I chose it, not for the marketing touting all those lifetime matches but for the reputation, it has great Math.

With caution and trepidation, I create a new email account — yes, I went that far, on another computer in case they were tracking my IP address. I answer the series of questions they pose, craft a reasonable profile that does not make me sound like a product or service offering. I make no false claims or promises. I do not include any …” looking for long walks on the beach” crap, this is real life people, I live in a big city, we don’t legitimately have a beach.

I get to the AGE part. My heart is beating. I’m not sure if I can do this. It is a full out lie to say I am 2 years younger than my birth certificate. I tell myself “this is a lie I can live with.” A white lie, compared to what I have been coached to do…it’s a 21-month fib. I sense my grandmother is looking at me from heaven shaking her head and thinking…”I taught you better than that”. I hit send. I grab a big piece of dark chocolate and immediately think that if I keep on this path, I will start gaining weight and will no longer resemble my photos, or look younger than my age!

WOW, instant success — we have matches for you…or you if you were 21 months younger. With great anticipation and optimism that eclipses the fact that this exercise is for entertainment purposes only, I take a look. I am shocked. I know there are wonderful people behind these photos. I know beauty is only skin deep. I look at photos of folks who do not look my age, do not look like they can keep up, who likely have lovely grandkids and have picked out a retirement residence. These are not candidates for the next fitness adventure vacation with my gang. I am reminded that most of them lied about their age, and these photos are possibly historic if my friends/dating coaches are to be believed.

Faster than the speed of light, faster than a person my age can move, I delete the account and the related email account. I grab my Nikes and am on my way for a stress relieving 10 K run to a yoga class which will serve as the chaser to the wine I intend to drink to erase the memory of this day.

While I am sipping my wine, heart racing, hands shaking, future alone looming large, hoping my kids will marry nice people who will want to visit me often….I have a realization. In my anxiety about the white lie, the woman who selected her dating site based on good math, has done her math backward and made herself older.

I do believe that up in heaven my grandmother is having a good laugh. And feeling proud that she raised me so well I don’t even have the ability to pull off a white lie!

Back to square one with a lesson in morals