How to be a loser

I am used to people making comments such as “You are always smiling and happy!”, or “How come you have such a good outlook on life?”. I normally shrug and answer “Dunno… I just do”.

That was not a lie, I really didn’t have much idea why some people are generally happy, whereas others have all sorts of moods. My theory was that it must be a combination of genetics and a result of the accumulation of the little (or big) traumas that we go though, or more specifically, how we deal with them and their consequences.

That’s what got me thinking. There’s not much we can do about genetics (for now anyway), but maybe there is something about the way I see things which contributes to my general well being, or at least to a better management of my mood. And I believe that a good metaphor for my outlook in life is that I am a loser.

When you call someone a loser (which is a very mean thing to say to someone… have you no shame?), your intention is to put them down, to make them feel bad. What you mean is that they haven’t achieved anything in life, or that they are generally very bad at something which “normal” people do at a reasonable level of competence. It evokes images of socially awkward teenage boys who can’t get girls, or of 30 somethings who haven’t achieved much in life, and are stuck in a dead end job (if they are so lucky), with no prospect of “winning” in life.

Hold on. Winning? At what? Last time I checked everybody gets the same prize at the end of the game of life. Yes, that’s right: you die. Like all the other winners and losers who came before you.

So, in the grand scheme of things does it really matter that you managed to pay your mortgage (or that you even managed to get one)? Or that you got married to a beautiful woman/man? Or that you landed that high-powered job which will allow you to buy a villa in Tuscany?

Yes, actually. All that matters.

But not for the reasons people are usually led to believe.

We want money, power, love, respect, because that’s what we have been programmed to do, that’s what used to make more babies in the past. We are the descendents of the people who wanted to win, because the opposite of winning is losing, and losing usually meant the swift removal from the gene pool.

Making babies is great. It keeps the human race going, I suppose, and is something to be encouraged. Although I suspect that we might be entering an era in our development where these values are becoming more of a hindrance.

We are not aware of this genetic manipulation that our ancestors have blindly worked on us, and so we just want to win because it feels good, and we like doing things which make us feel good.

Only problem is, with few exceptions, in order for there to be a winner, there must be one or more losers, and being a loser sucks. Chances are that you are more often going to find yourself in the loser category than not. End result: you feel miserable and hate your life.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. We don’t need to be slaves to our genes. Our bodies were not engineered to deal with the society which we are creating: low incidence of sabre tooth attacks, not much famine, old age… these are all recent things. Evolution takes thousands of years to work, but technology advancement has acceleration, and is catching up quickly.

We can, and do, adapt culturally. We use this brain of ours to compensate for nature’s slow processes. And throughout history many have written extensively about how we think, why we think that way, and how can we think better. Stoicism, Epicureanism, Confucianism, Buddhism, modern philosophy… there’s a lot to read there, and a lot to assimilate.

I believe that in order to achieve a state of mind which removes anxieties, sobers the mind and allows you to be happy most of the time, we have to re-educate ourselves to simplify life, to not want just for the sake of wanting, to be a bit of a loser. If in the process of being a loser you end up winning, then all the better.

Remember: you were born naked, toothless and bald. Anything you can get from then on, you’re winning.

P.S.: I wrote this about 3 years ago, and my thinking has changed a bit since then, but I decided to leave the text unadulterated