Fall in Love with Yourself by Falling in Love with Someone
For years I wanted to fall in love, but never really thought about it would happen. The hope and fantasy of the thought always lingered but it was nothing more than that. Then college came. Exams, classes, organizations, and friends consumed each hour that wasn’t spent sleeping or partying. There were those brief moments where you thought you might have something with someone, but it he either played you or something seemed off. Either way, things never seemed to work in your favor when it came to men.
I was at this point for a while. There were times I felt attractive, times I felt ugly, times I felt as if maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and be like the other girls. Not to say I’m a chatty person, but I do tell a man what I think. He has no right to run me over or any woman for that matter.
It wasn’t until I met a certain man. I had been attracted to him since the first time I saw him on campus but never thought anything of it. One day that all changed. We began talking. I was at the point where I didn’t want to play games. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. It was my last semester and I couldn’t, wouldn’t, deal with the heart break.
We talked for weeks, and I was blunt with him. We talked of history, writing, weird things people do, and what we like and don’t like in someone. Sometimes we even talked about pimples in weird places. Gross! I know, but women like to talk about those things too. We had the kind of conversations you‘d have with your best girlfriend, except this girlfriend wasa guy. A guy who was quite attractive and you kind of liked.
When we first met to hang out, I swore up and down that we weren’t going to do anything. We watched scary movies, went on a long drive, got lost, and then came back home and things escalated a bit. He stayed the night and didn’t try anything more when I said I wouldn’t do anything the first night. I didn’t realize it then, but this was the man I’d fall in love with.
It wasn’t long before we became something more. It wasn’t a relationship. To be honest, it was the typical friends with benefits. We talked about other people we thought were attractive, but swore to each other that we would only be intimate with one another. Everything was carefree. We could go days without talking since we were both so busy with college, and then pick things back up as if no time had passed. He listened when I talked, gave advice, and encouraged me to pursue my dreams. We both encouraged each other and that’s what was so special. With him by my side, I felt as if I could conquer anything.
We told each other we didn’t want a relationship. Graduation came and passed. We continued to talk during the summer. I moved down to Georgetown. I met another man. Then I had a scare about a small lump in my breast. The new man kept making things worse. He looked up medical articles, telling me that I’m going to die, and was freaking out. Which, of course, made me start to freak out. My friend though calmly asked if it would help if I talked about it. We talked about what the worse could be and what if it’s nothing. He vowed that he would stay by my side through it all.
I hadn’t told him, but I had fallen in love with him three months earlier. I was too scared, and we swore that we wouldn’t have feelings for each other. There’s a lot more to the story, and that’s for another time. But to cut things short, I unfortunately broke his heart as well as mine when I went with the other man. It’s been a year since this happened, and every day I think about him. But in the end, I know it was the right decision. We had talked about relationships before, and I knew how he could be in a long distance relationship. How would I know that with me there would by any difference?
Though the heart break was terrible, so terrible I still feel it a year later, bing in love with that man showed me my potential. He allowed me to explore who I was, taught me to fall in love with myself, helped me figure out what I liked and didn’t like, taught me to feel confident, and showed me what it truly means to be in love.
Sometimes you find love in the least likely places. I know. Extremely cliché, but it’s completely true. Before him I was afraid to let my guard down. Afraid to let anyone in, because I feared they would reject me. Allowing myself to break down that wall made me cherish life so much more and realize that there is love out there. There is a way to be happy and do what you truly love. Don’t be afraid to have your heart broken. Yes, you may cry each night for months, have a random thought of him come up which twists your heart with remorse, but it’s all for a reason. In the end you’ll realize how strong you are, know yourself a bit better, and see the things that he taught you that you never knew you learned until later down the road. Fall in love, because falling in love will help you fall in love with yourself.