breakup of the non-relationship relationship

i want to talk about this.

because i’m sort of here. kind of. not exactly, but its similar.

i’m married — and queer…and polyamorous. have been the entire course of my marriage, and before… but i never had a word for it. i just knew i had the capacity to love and partner with more than one person at a time. until recently, when i had to break it off with my second partner of four years. we were close friends and then some. that’s the best way to describe it because there was no label.

i’m happily married. we are actually expecting another baby after we lost our first child born too soon and too small to survive. we are feeling all the feelings expectant parents do, and then some. that’s for another post which i will definitely write.

but four years ago, i also fell in love/like with one of our mutual friends.

at first i was terrified. did this mean i didn’t really love my spouse? was i a cheater? was i falling back into my commitment phobia? its safe to say that i married the right person — someone who knew me better than i knew myself. and allowed me the space to explore without them feeling threatened or insecure in our relationship.

and now they’re the shoulder i’m leaning on as i grieve the loss of a “non-relationship” with someone else.

i swear i have the best spouse in the world.

i could talk about the other person and what went wrong, but i won’t. i will say they’re a wonderful human. we are working on re-drawing the lines of our friendship. its not as easy as either of us would like it to be. its a work in progress.

and i don’t know about them, but i’ve definitely gone through the crying, the anger, the despondence, the mood swings… the general symptoms of withdrawal that accompany a separation of hearts and bodies. and it was doubly hard because normally, they would be one of the first people i would go to when i was in emotional upheaval. i leaned on them heavily while grieving the loss of my first born, my parents’ divorce, even minor things like work stress and issues with other friends.

but this time its different. how would i or could i lean on them to support me in a break up that wasn’t really a break up at the center of which, they stood? it was impossible. and impossibly lonely until i remembered that i have other poly friends in similar situations. friends with the emotional intelligence, understanding and capacity to love me through navigating these rough seas. polyamory is still poorly understood — i’m learning all the time. about myself and others. its also judged. there are people claim polyamory to justify dishonesty in their relationships, which opens up truly polyamorous people who are doing their due diligence to have honest, fulfilling relationships open to harsh criticism.

so i will say this for anyone else who is like me… and feels open to more than one partnership of any sort at a time. establishing community is what will help you through at all times. the good and the bad. having friends who understand your life and choices free of judgement and communicating with them will keep you safe and sane, especially when bad things happen. and they will — because that’s the nature of human existence and relationships.

as for me? i’m coming out on the other side of this gracefully. i still feel a tug at my heart when i see things that remind me of them or if we cross paths either virtually or in real life. that happens when you give someone a piece of yourself. but i’m happy in where i currently sit — feeling a tiny human inside my belly flipkicking their way into this world.

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