The Hotlist: 8 Spots On Your Couch To Not Move From This Weekend
It’s Friday — you’re young, you’re hot, it’s too late to text anyone to see what they’re doing, and you’ve got a couch from Craigslist that doesn’t match anything in your apartment. The world is your oyster, but the real question is: where should I be sitting right now? Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered.
1. The Dimply Right Seat
Usually this spot is reserved for friends and guests who don’t realize it’s the least comfortable seat in the house, but Friday night might be the perfect time for a staycation at Lumpville for a sweet nostalgic reminder of your once-popular past self.
2. On Top of Thursday Night’s Pizza Stain
Spill more cheese on yourself in the same spot this weekend and it will be like a you-sandwich with oil stain bread. Don’t move from this amazing sticky spot unless you want to risk peeling off thigh skin.
3. The Holy Grail: The Short Part of the L
Nestle in the comforting glory of multi-directional support and become one with the couch.
4. Three Feet From the Outlet
You’ll truly never need to move from this spot after you strategically position yourself to be within phone charging distance. Congratulate yourself for planning ahead for once.
5. Underneath, As You Hide From Your Social Life
For a fun twist, consider heading underneath your couch as you indulge your social anxiety by further insulating yourself from the crushing burden of friendships and the outside world.
6. Draped Over the Right Arm
Always a crowd favorite, consider contemplating life’s unfairness as you indelicately splay yourself over the side of the couch wondering how your phone’s storage can still be full despite having just deleted 40 photos.
7. Goddammit, Just Out of Reach of the Remote
If you were the better person you hope to be, you would have gotten up to grab it already.
8. Across From Your Therapist
Oh, this is for your home couch? Nvm.
