The bridesmaids sat around in their scratchy chiffon dresses, waiting for the groom and his Brothers to arrive.
“Babe, can you believe Kelly is getting married today?”
“No sia, so exciting!”
“Yah like oh my god?”
“Guys guys, they’re coming already!”
“Is Kelly on FaceTime? Someone FaceTime her now!”
Upstairs, Kelly sat alone in her white gown, holding her phone in her freshly manicured hands. The phone started to ring. With the swipe of a finger, her bridesmaids appeared on the screen. Wah, all so chio!
“Babe, they’re here! We going to start now. Can see us clearly?” said a bridesmaid.
“Yes, can!”, Kelly replied excitedly. Was this all really happening? Today, now? In this moment, she felt incredibly blessed. To have best friends that were just like sisters. To have Jon. To have and to hold. She hoped that Jon and his bros would be a good sport, or at least act like they were having fun. They are paying a lot for the highlights video, you know.
“Hello ladies, open the door!”, yelled the guys.
“Heh, so fast? You wish ah!”, said a bridesmaid.
“Ya Jon, you guys need to prove yourselves first!”, said another, before they all laughed loudly.
“Bring it on,” challenged one of the groomsmen. This guy looked bored, like he had been a Brother too many times before.
Gulped down the bitter gourd juice and munched on all the chilli padi.
Danced around in granny panties and duct taped all the leg hair.
In the humiliating world of wedding gatecrashes, there was nothing he hadn’t already seen.
The girls looked at each other. Actually they never really liked Jon. I mean he was okay lah. Rich, quite handsome, but just a bit MCP lor. Kelly could totally have done better. In any case, that’s what today was for. Jon’s chance to prove that he was good enough for Kelly. They did say to bring it on…
“Okay, gentlemen!”, shouted the lead bridesmaid through the HDB gate.
“Before we start, this is not your usual gatecrash okay.”
“Ya, ya…”, said the bored groomsman.
“Other gatecrash got 4, 5 games. Ours only got 2,” she explained.
The guys cheered.
“Easy right? Play 2 games, and we’ll open the gate. Then Kelly is all yours, Jon.”
Jon couldn’t believe his luck. He thought he was getting tortured for sure!
The lead bridesmaid continued.
“First game. 酸甜苦辣. Something sour, something sw—”
“Yes, yes, we know, sour sweet bitter spicy,” interrupted Jon.
The lead bridesmaid pursed her lips and stared daggers at him.
“Sorry, paiseh. Continue continue,” said Jon.
The bridesmaid cleared her throat and continued, emphasising her words so they were clear enough for the camera.
“Sour, sweet, bitter, spicy. Just like the ups and downs of married life. For the first game, we want you to eat Kelly’s dog shit, Jon.”
Here, a satisfying moment of awkward silence.
“You want us to what?” said Jon.
“Coco’s shit. You need to eat it.” demanded the straight-faced bridesmaid, looking Jon in the eye.
Another bridesmaid was happy to explain.
“Hahaha! Just now we fed Coco lemon juice, cookies, bitter gourd and chilli. 酸甜苦辣! Straightaway she lao sai! Hahaha!”
The brothers glared at Jon.
“Why waste time eating it one by one, right? We are actually making it damn easy for you, literally!”, even though it really wasn’t the correct use of ‘literally’.
Another bridesmaid brought out a tray of white disposable plastic cups. In each sat a skinny plastic stirring spoon, and a dollop of liquidy, chunky, fresh dog shit.
“You’re… you’re joking right?” Jon said.
The lead bridesmaid snapped.
“Jon. Do I look like I am fucking kidding right now. Do you want to marry Kelly or not.”
“Ha ha! You girls are so funny. I know what you all want lah. Big ang bao, right!” Jon was sweating in his suit.
“Actually, that’s the second game…” said another bridesmaid, who was shushed immediately.
The lead bridesmaid was losing her patience. “Do you love Kelly, Jon? Would you say you would endure the 酸甜苦辣 of life with her? For her?”
“Then eat the fucking dog shit.”
Jon was not the sort of person to lose face. Anyway, it was probably just Milo paste. Women, always so dramatic. He took a deep breath.
“Alright, I’ll eat it.”
The girls broke out in rowdy cheers. The guys just gasped.
Sensing the tense air in the HDB walkway, the lead bridesmaid said: “Don’t worry guys, this game is only for Jon.”
The brothers sighed in huge relief.
“It’s only a bit lah. And Coco’s very clean,” assured one of the bridesmaids, as she handed Jon one of the white cups. It was still warm.
The camera was now on Jon. It zoomed in on his hands, as he stirred the sticky paste with the spoon. It zoomed in on his face, as he lifted it to his lips.
At this point I don’t know how to describe his expression because I’ve never actually eaten shit before. But you can probably picture it, some sort of scrunched up horror? Anyway, as his tongue pressed against the roof of his mouth and the stuff hit his teeth, Jon realised, indeed, it was dog shit.
Still, he wasn’t giving up. Not now.
“Pfft, that was nothing!” said Jon, as he stuck out his shit-stained tongue for the camera.
“Alright! Nice work Jon. You’re halfway there. Second and last game!”, said the lead bridesmaid.
The girls shouted in girly unison: “RED PACKET!”
They clapped their hands in excitement.
This time, Jon was prepared. He reached into the expensive pocket of his expensive suit.
“Jon, forget it. We know you’re rich. Money is not what we want.”
Jon was close to losing it now. Fucking irritating cunts!
“Then just tell me what you all want lah, OK?!”, he snapped.
The lead bridesmaid continued.
“Well… You asked Kelly for her hand in marriage.”
“Yah… That’s… What people who want to get married… Do…?” said Jon, in that stupid condescending tone they all fucking hated.
“But what about your hand?”
“Are you willing to give up your hand?”
“We just want to know that you’re serious about Kelly, Jon,” said the lead bridesmaid.
“So for the second game, as a symbol of love and dedication… We want you to cut off your hand.”
She held up a giant handmade ang pow.
“Red packet! Get it?”, one of the girls giggled. She came up with the name.
No one got it.
Jon had enough. “First you make me eat shit, now you want me to chop off my hand? Are you girls crazy?”
“Okay… what about just one finger?”, asked one of the bridesmaids.
“Yah lor please, it’s not like you’re a surgeon or what. You don’t need your hands to work, right?”, another chided.
Jon considered this for a second. To walk away now would mean he lost. And Jon never lost. Especially not in front of a rolling camera. Imagine what the wedding highlights would look like — everyone at dinner pointing at the screen and laughing at him, Jon the pussy! Jon the chicken pussy!
He snatched a rusty pair of garden shears from one of the bridesmaids and shoved it into his best man’s hands.
“Bro, do it, bro.”
“Bro, just cut it off.”
“I’m serious, bro.”
“BRO JUST DO IT!!!”
Jon closed his eyes, raised a clenched fist towards his face and stuck out his pinkie, which made him look like he was about to dig his nose. The cameraman could not believe the goldmine that he was capturing today.
The best man glanced at the bridesmaids, face flushed with doubt, hoping it was all an elaborate prank. But the girls were all too busy Instagram Storying the moment. Oh well… Here goes.
Blood went everywhere, all along the HDB corridor. Just a spectacular amount. Jon blinked his eyes open, but upon seeing all that red, he fainted and crumpled to the floor, surrounded by his awkward brothers. The camera crew caught everything.
And so did Kelly, who watched it all happen upstairs on FaceTime, tears of gratitude rolling down her cheek. It ruined her expensive bridal make-up, but she couldn’t help it, okay? She was just so uber touched that Jon would do all that for her! Oh, he really really is the one. She closed her eyes and took a long, deep breath. She was ready. To herself, she whispered: “I love you, Jonathan Chia Ze Ming. From today onwards, until forever. Literally.”
(Even though they had signed the ROM papers like two months ago and were technically already married. Lame.)