A Beginners Guide to Polyamory
Back before I quit tumblr, I saw a demand for a polyamory guide geared towards beginners; many people felt that most poly guides are pretentious and so filled with specific vocabulary that it becomes inaccesible to newbies.
Being just a little past brand-spanking-new to it myself, I thought it would be appropriate for me to write one myself. Who better to answer the questions of the curious than someone who just asked those questions themself?
First, the definition:
Polyamory is the act of being in a relationship with more than one individual at a time, wherein all the people involved are knowledgeable and consenting to the other relationships. These relationships can be romantic, sexual, platonic partnerships or any combination of the three.
Common examples include triades, where 3 people are all dating each other, open relationships, and having multiple committed romantic partners. We will discuss these later. There is no one right way to do polyamory; however, it requires consistently open and honest communication between all partners in order to remain healthy.
It’s also an orientation:
To be polyamorous is a romantic orientation where in a person feels romantic/sexual attraction to more than one person at a time. This does not always mean this person is going to engage in polyamory, and not everyone who engages in polyamory identifies as polyamorous. Being polyamorous as an identity is not exclusive to other sexual/romantic identities — you can be bi and poly, gay and poly, ace and poly, ect. Not everyone who practices polyamoury feels it’s necessary to add the label of polyamorous on to their identity, and that’s okay.
Some quick vocab:
Monoamorous: To only feel romantic attraction/emotions to one person at a time and/or to only desire to be in monogamous relationships.
Poly: In the instance of this guide I am using it as shorthand to describe people who engage in polyamory.
Primary and secondary partners: The primary partner is usually the partner know for the longest time, most involved in one’s life (ex. living together, being married) and/or the person one feels the most emotional ties too. This partner usually gets priority over other partners. Secondary partners can be more casual, or of equal emotional importance but less involved in one’s life due to circumstances. There is some debate over the use of these words, as some people do not believe in ‘ranking’ ones partners against each other. The exact definition and use of these words is up to those involved in the relationship(s).
Types of polyamory:
Open relationships: The exact definition of an open relationship is up to the people involved. However, it is most commonly used to describe a relationship in which two people are only romantically involved with each other, but allowed to have casual sex outside of the relationship. This differs from other kinds of polyamorous relationships because it does not involve multiple, equal partnerships, but rather one primary partnership and then other casual partners. However, the exact parameters of any open relationship will be defined by the partners involved and their own boundaries.
Relationship Anarchism: This type of polyamory is usually defined by a lack of giving labels to partners — rather than having a primary and secondary, ect, partners, all relationships are left to simply exist in the way that occurs naturally. A person who engages in relationship anarchism may have serious partners as well as casual partners, and does not compare these relationships to each other in terms of worth. This form of polyamory takes a lot of time, communication and planning. Again, the exact parameters of the relationships involved depend entirely upon the boundaries of those involved.
Group: A poly group typically refers to any group of people who are all dating each other. For example, triads, which are more commonly seen and consist of 3 people who are all involved with each other. There is no limit to the amount of people that can be involved in a polygroup, though more people requires more emotional energy and communication. Polygroups can be exclusive, meaning no one in the group dates outside the group, or open to any other form of polyamory for each individual.
It is possible to practice a different type of polyamory with different partners (you may have a primary who is part of a group, but you and your secondary have an open relationship, etc), so it is very important that you talk to your partner specifically about your wants, needs, and boundaries. Polyamory is a constant conversation.
Q&A:
I asked for questions about polyamory, and this is what I got. Feel free to ask your own if you have questions at the end of this guide!
Do I have to identify a polyamorous to practice polyamory?
Short answer is no! Many people people identify as monoamorous, but have polyamorous partners. This may mean that they only date the one partner, but that partner dates other people with the monoamorous partners consent. This commonly results in the monoamorous partner being considered the primary. Different dynamics work better for different people — it’s important to talk to your partner about what will work for you, and be clear about your boundaries. Letting your partner do things that make you uncomfortable in order to make them happy is not healthy — both you and your partner deserve honesty.
How do you keep track of everything in a poly relationship? Are planners suggested?
Depending on how many partners you have and how organised you are, I would highly advise at least having a calendar of some kind. Any smart phone will come equipped with a planner app. This will help you keep track of dates, anniversaries, plans, ect. How you want to organise your time and who you give priority too is up to you and depends on you and your partner’s comfort levels. I find the most fair way is “first come first serve” — whoever picks a date to make plans on first, gets it. That way you don’t end up cancelling on people for other people, or making any of your partners feel inferior. However, different things work for different people — long as you find something everyone is comfortable with.
How do I talk to my partner about becoming poly?
This is always a hard one. Polyamory is widely misunderstood — we live in a very monogamous society, and the idea that one person can only truly love one other person is ground into our heads from early childhood. There is a common misconception that polyamory is just “cheating with permission”. The best place to start is to make sure they understand what polyamory is, so these misconceptions don’t cause hurt and anger (I will be putting a list of polyamory info and resources at the end of this guide). Don’t open the conversation with an ultimatum, just suggest it as something you can learn about and explore together.
After they understand what polyamory is, you can have a conversation about what may work for you. If your partner is concerned that you are avoiding commitment, bring up the idea of having a primary — many people use the label simply as a way of expressing an added commitment. Make sure they feel comfortable expressing their fears and boundaries, and do the same yourself. Moving from monogamy to polyamory can be a very long process, so patience and understanding on the side of both parties is key.
Now this is important — if you decide at the end of all this that polyamory is something you need to be happy, and your partner needs monogamy to be happy, this is a very baseline level of incompatibility. Neither of you are wrong, and neither of you should have to compromise your needs to make the other one happy. Trying to be in a relationship, be it monogamous or polyamorous, will be making one of you unhappy and only cause toxicity in the relationship. It’s difficult, but acknowledging your own needs even if it means breaking up is the healthiest option.
Thank you for reading! If you have any questions or corrections, please speak up. I want this guide to be as accessible as possible.
Resources:
Kimchi Cuddles: A Webcomic about polyamorous life
Lets Talk about Polyamory: A video that talks about some poly experiences
The Wiki: Pretty self explanatory, for those of you who like getting information this way
More Than Two FAQ: I haven’t checked out the whole site myself but it answers some more questions.
OkCupid: This is a dating website open to polyamory. You can even link your account with your partners, though it only allows you to be linked to one account at a time.
