I step out of patriarchy

I’m out. It’s enough. I quit.

I no longer want to participate in the war I call patriarchy.

Thanks to the emotional healing processes of a context called Possibility Management and the Universe, which once again put me in a dramatic situation, the fog inside me lifted.

I can now suddenly see what I have been creating all these years;

I lived in a world surrounded by invisible enemies. I grew up in a patriarchal society in which the male sex was simply always more privileged. This unconsciously made men automatically my enemies. Because of this, I developed strategies to feel powerful or at least safe in their presence. And I gave away my center to them. Which made me dependend on the quality of their actions, opinions and love towards me.

My big ace was my sexual power; I quickly realized that I could easily catch men’s attention if I smiled at them for a long time or walked around with a big cleavage. I intuitively realized: this is my strength and their weakness in this game.

Women were also my enemies. Because they were my competitors on the battlefield in which everything was about gaining the attention of men. Wherever I went, I first scanned the whole situation for possible competitors. „Is she more attractive than me? Will she steal my attention?“

In an emotional healing process, I went back to the relationship with my father when I was a child. I found myself begging in vain for emotional intimacy with him. I had no success. So I began to manipulate so that he might one day give me more interest. I denied him contact and only stayed with my mother for example.

I recognized this pattern with shock in my current relationship with my partner. His emotional unavailability awakened despair and paralysis in me. Which then expressed itself in demands and dissatisfaction.

There was an unspoken expectation and longing that he would fill this void of my father’s attention.

But the more I asked for it, the more he withdrew. So I found myself in the same lifeless relationship as with my father.

Other men came into my field of vision. Attractive offers. Very attractive offers that promised to give me what I longed for: the love and attention of a father.

To maintain their interest I used my sexual power. The exchange of sexual energies in turn was understood as an invitation, even more, a promise for sex.

When it actually came to a closer contact I almost always found out that all the sexual energy had only been there to bind their attention and finally get my so great need for recognition and interest met.

It was over when there was no physical sexual exchange.

Frustration and pain remained. In the men’s genitals and in my heart.

This morning I realized how much pain, deception and despair I had caused in my life due to my desire (addiction) for male attention. My whole body started to shake and hot tears flowed down my cheeks.

I was at war all the time. And was not even aware of it. Fighting for the recognition and attention of men and fighting against women who could take away my triumphs.

In an emotional healing process, I started to end this endless beggar state with all my anger. „I’m tired of fighting for your attention,“ I yelled to my imaginary father. „This is over now. I am no longer a little girl who needs your attention and love. I am now becoming an adult woman and taking back my center I gave you. You no longer have power over my life. I am not fighting anymore. This is my life and I no longer need your validation and love to feel strong and complete.“

This process also helped me find clarity in my partner relationship. As a responsible woman growing up, I can now communicate very clearly what I want. I no longer have to endure because I don’t know any other way and then manipulate in order to somehow achieve the infinitely sweet satisfaction that the attention of other men gave me.

I now take a stand with all my anger towards my partner and myself:

„I want a relationship in which my partner wants to explore, learn and enjoy intimacy with me in all 5 bodies. I want a lively and authentic relationship in which we invent non-linear ways in our contact. I want a partner who, together with me, can go through the process of initiation towards authentic adulthood. And wants to explore the domains of being a woman and a man beyond the so far experienced. I decide to stop feeding my gremlin with the attention of other men and take all this energy to create the relationship I’m loonging for“.

I have also decided to stop feeding the patriarchy around me and within me. I am stepping out. Whenever I realize that I am reacting out of these engraved patterns, I will correct myself and try something completely new.

„I am done being the slave of my revenge to men and patriarchy. The contract is over.

I take my life back and leave the past in the past.“ (Building Love that Lasts, Clinton Callahan)

I will take all my strength to learn to continually keep a part of my energetic center in my physical center.

I am consciously shifting my focus away from men to myself and other women. I want to give priority to the relationship with myself, with nature and with other women.