Grandad Jokes, Batch #33

Richard Seltzer
Morning Musings Magazine
2 min readDec 27, 2021

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Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes

401

Everything was great about her new dress,

except the color —

which was to dye for.

402

Wedding toast —

George, may you get everything you want in this wife.

Mary, may you be well groomed.

403

Where does the comedian turn when he needs an audience?

The Good Humor Man.

404

What does the icicle sing when he starts to melt?

Snowbody knows the trouble I’ve seen.

Snowbody knows but Frostie.

405

He needed practice before becoming a stand-up comic,

so he started with sit-down comedy

and invented the sitcom.

406

Snoopy converted to Judaism

and became a bagel.

407

The proctologist was good at getting to the bottom of the problem.

408

Top-selling pop psychology book for trees —

I’m Oak A,

You’re Oak A.

409

After 40 years service in Starfleet,

Captain Kirk had enough logs

to build a log cabin.

410

The lion loved fresh gnu for breakfast.

So he subscribed to an online gnus service.

411

The sand was prim, proper, and unemployed

until she got stoned

and became a rockette.

412

When the comedian went on a safari,

he vowed to

bring ’em back a laugh.

414

The gambler was a sticker for cleanliness,

so he changed his cheats every day.

416

The rabbi wouldn’t drink beer,

but he loved a he-brew.

417

He became a priest, held confession, collected the gilt of his parish,

and melted it down to bullion.

418

As an alternate way of taking medicine,

instead of swallowing or getting a shot,

meds can be embedded in a cushion

so you absorb it while sleeping.

They call that a pillow.

419

After her first trip to the hairdresser

the little girl looked at herself in the mirror

and said proudly, “You are such a good curl.”

420

A giant named Sas loved squash so much that

he stepped on everything to make it squash.

That’s why they called him sas-squash.

421

He became the world’s best knotty pine inspector

thanks to his mother

who taught him

to judge not.

422

The football team

was arrested

for taking kick backs.

423

When George finally took care of his gas problem,

he held a burp day party.

424

The finger hated the lancet —

he was such a prick.

425

She lived a lonely life.

She rarely went out and had few debts.

So while others went to the gym and paid bills,

she went to the James and paid Williams.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other jokes, stories, poems and essays.

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Richard Seltzer
Morning Musings Magazine

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com