Grandad Jokes, Batch #33
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes
401
Everything was great about her new dress,
except the color —
which was to dye for.
402
Wedding toast —
George, may you get everything you want in this wife.
Mary, may you be well groomed.
403
Where does the comedian turn when he needs an audience?
The Good Humor Man.
404
What does the icicle sing when he starts to melt?
Snowbody knows the trouble I’ve seen.
Snowbody knows but Frostie.
405
He needed practice before becoming a stand-up comic,
so he started with sit-down comedy
and invented the sitcom.
406
Snoopy converted to Judaism
and became a bagel.
407
The proctologist was good at getting to the bottom of the problem.
408
Top-selling pop psychology book for trees —
I’m Oak A,
You’re Oak A.
409
After 40 years service in Starfleet,
Captain Kirk had enough logs
to build a log cabin.
410
The lion loved fresh gnu for breakfast.
So he subscribed to an online gnus service.
411
The sand was prim, proper, and unemployed
until she got stoned
and became a rockette.
412
When the comedian went on a safari,
he vowed to
bring ’em back a laugh.
414
The gambler was a sticker for cleanliness,
so he changed his cheats every day.
416
The rabbi wouldn’t drink beer,
but he loved a he-brew.
417
He became a priest, held confession, collected the gilt of his parish,
and melted it down to bullion.
418
As an alternate way of taking medicine,
instead of swallowing or getting a shot,
meds can be embedded in a cushion
so you absorb it while sleeping.
They call that a pillow.
419
After her first trip to the hairdresser
the little girl looked at herself in the mirror
and said proudly, “You are such a good curl.”
420
A giant named Sas loved squash so much that
he stepped on everything to make it squash.
That’s why they called him sas-squash.
421
He became the world’s best knotty pine inspector
thanks to his mother
who taught him
to judge not.
422
The football team
was arrested
for taking kick backs.
423
When George finally took care of his gas problem,
he held a burp day party.
424
The finger hated the lancet —
he was such a prick.
425
She lived a lonely life.
She rarely went out and had few debts.
So while others went to the gym and paid bills,
she went to the James and paid Williams.
