Grandad Jokes, Batch #7

Richard Seltzer
3 min readOct 3, 2021
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

from the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion in the book Grandad Jokes

176

Twitter was created after the Goths conquered Europe.

That was the Follow of the Roman Empire.

177

Remember —

Dogs are essential to civilized society.

You need the woof as well as the warp to weave the social fabric.

178

“You cannot tweet twice to the same twitterverse.”

- Heraclitus

(His fragments weren’t fragments. They were tweets.)

179

Aim high.

The sky is no limit.

Infinity is next to nothing.

Just divide anything by zero.

180

Typos can be fun in unexpected ways.

They often lead to puns and sometimes to stories and novels.

They are like random mutations, some of which win in the struggle for survival.

My writing would be lifeless without the inspiration of my typos.

181

The Tao of Aphasia

To fight aphasia and memory glitches,

empty your mind

and let thoughts and words enter on their own.

The harder you try, the harder remembering becomes.

The paths, not the memories themselves wear out.

let your mind open new paths.

Control by not controlling.

182

Philosophy is like fishing,

hoping to catch the big one

but with no bait and no lure

and no way to haul it in,

so no one will ever know how close you came.

183

When Fate says, “You can’t.”

Spit in his face and say, “I can, sir.”

184

As I get older,, I’m noting an ever widening

gap between what I intend to do and what I do.

I think about what I want to do next;

then I watch to find out what I actually do.

I’ve never seen this phenomenon described in a book.

185

Some people argue/debate

because of a difference of opinion.

Others do so out of indifference.

186

I think,

therefore you are.

187

Imagine Medieval eBay,

with auctions for religious relics.

If you were a believer,

how much would you bid for

a splinter from the True Cross,

a toe-bone of Saint Peter,

the cellphone of Jesus Christ?

188

Magic is all around us.

We don’t notice it because we are so used to it.

189

Birth is magic.

Growing is magic.

Aging is magic.

Dying is magic.

When change happens slowly, we don’t notice. That’s slow magic. Everyday life.

When change happens quickly and shocks us, that is fast magic.

It’s all magic.

The difference is how we see it.

190

The difference between secrets and lies.

Secrets bond you with those you share them with.

Lies separate you them from those you lie to.

What’s a secret to one person may be a lie to another.

191

I wish it were possible to youthanize.

192

We can’t depend on our Founding Fathers.

We need to find ourselves.

193

Mary won the beauty contest

and was crowned “Miss Kiss”.

Ever since we’ve celebrated that day

as Kiss Miss.

194

What did one spirit say to another?

Have you ever met a physical?

195

The rabbi and the Catholic priest were a perfect match.

The one was a sederist and

the other a masochrist.

196

What Samuel Johnson should have said:

I stink, therefore I am.

197

Social media is an amplifier.

Its power is measured not in decibels

but in followers who both hear and speak.

We’re all in Whoville trying to be heard.

Retweet after me …

198

Energy is matter

and matter is energy.

Light matters.

Life matters.

199

What Samuel Johnson should have said:

“I stink, therefore I am.”

200

Did you hear about the philosopher

who was convicted of murder?

He got the eclectic chair.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other jokes, stories and essays.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com