Grandad Jokes, Batch #7
from the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion in the book Grandad Jokes
176
Twitter was created after the Goths conquered Europe.
That was the Follow of the Roman Empire.
177
Remember —
Dogs are essential to civilized society.
You need the woof as well as the warp to weave the social fabric.
178
“You cannot tweet twice to the same twitterverse.”
- Heraclitus
(His fragments weren’t fragments. They were tweets.)
179
Aim high.
The sky is no limit.
Infinity is next to nothing.
Just divide anything by zero.
180
Typos can be fun in unexpected ways.
They often lead to puns and sometimes to stories and novels.
They are like random mutations, some of which win in the struggle for survival.
My writing would be lifeless without the inspiration of my typos.
181
The Tao of Aphasia
To fight aphasia and memory glitches,
empty your mind
and let thoughts and words enter on their own.
The harder you try, the harder remembering becomes.
The paths, not the memories themselves wear out.
let your mind open new paths.
Control by not controlling.
182
Philosophy is like fishing,
hoping to catch the big one
but with no bait and no lure
and no way to haul it in,
so no one will ever know how close you came.
183
When Fate says, “You can’t.”
Spit in his face and say, “I can, sir.”
184
As I get older,, I’m noting an ever widening
gap between what I intend to do and what I do.
I think about what I want to do next;
then I watch to find out what I actually do.
I’ve never seen this phenomenon described in a book.
185
Some people argue/debate
because of a difference of opinion.
Others do so out of indifference.
186
I think,
therefore you are.
187
Imagine Medieval eBay,
with auctions for religious relics.
If you were a believer,
how much would you bid for
a splinter from the True Cross,
a toe-bone of Saint Peter,
the cellphone of Jesus Christ?
188
Magic is all around us.
We don’t notice it because we are so used to it.
189
Birth is magic.
Growing is magic.
Aging is magic.
Dying is magic.
When change happens slowly, we don’t notice. That’s slow magic. Everyday life.
When change happens quickly and shocks us, that is fast magic.
It’s all magic.
The difference is how we see it.
190
The difference between secrets and lies.
Secrets bond you with those you share them with.
Lies separate you them from those you lie to.
What’s a secret to one person may be a lie to another.
191
I wish it were possible to youthanize.
192
We can’t depend on our Founding Fathers.
We need to find ourselves.
193
Mary won the beauty contest
and was crowned “Miss Kiss”.
Ever since we’ve celebrated that day
as Kiss Miss.
194
What did one spirit say to another?
Have you ever met a physical?
195
The rabbi and the Catholic priest were a perfect match.
The one was a sederist and
the other a masochrist.
196
What Samuel Johnson should have said:
I stink, therefore I am.
197
Social media is an amplifier.
Its power is measured not in decibels
but in followers who both hear and speak.
We’re all in Whoville trying to be heard.
Retweet after me …
198
Energy is matter
and matter is energy.
Light matters.
Life matters.
199
What Samuel Johnson should have said:
“I stink, therefore I am.”
200
Did you hear about the philosopher
who was convicted of murder?
He got the eclectic chair.
