Grandad Jokes, Batch #9
from the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion in the book Grandad Jokes
226
After his assassination,
Julius Caesar went to the New World
and taught Latin to the natives.
That’s how it came to be known as Latin America.
227
It is always better to pray
than to be prey.
228
It’s important to act
your rage.
229
After his heart stopped
he was lost,
he didn’t know what to do,
he was totally out of his death.
230
If Jesus was a carpenter,
why weren’t any of his parables based on carpentry?
An author, inventing him,
wouldn’t make such an amateur mistake.
Hence he wasn’t invented.
231
Someone tweeted —
“Mind is like an umbrella. It only works when open.
I replied —
And once you open it, dig in, dig deep.
Only then will it be truly mined.
232
As the Lorax said —
May the forest be with you.
233
Life is a multistage rocket.
You didn’t design it,
so you don’t now where this stage will take you
and if there might be others after that.
Don’t get stage fright.
Enjoy the ride.
234
presence means
just being —
human being
235
The student of genetic engineering
learned how to sew seeds,
but didn’t consider the unintended consequences,
so he was sued,
and wound up in the sewer.
236
What does your soul look like?
It’s the shape of my foot,
and wears a purple wig.
237
When he did heart transplants,
the surgeon inserted a tiny LED bulb,
powered by blood circulation.
He wanted his patients to be light hearted.
238
When the burning bush spoke,
the tree said,
“I beleave you.”
239
Socrates expressed his gratitude by saying,
“Think you very much.”
240
Eeorye’s Chinese cousin apologized by saying,
“So sourly please.”
241
Every year on the fourth Thursday of November
Socrates celebrated Thinksgiving.
with a feast of food for thought.
242
Einstein forgot his wife’s birthday.
But he didn’t waste any energy over that.
He realized that it didn’t matter.
He could always time-travel back and fix such mistakes.
But when he died, his time-travel license was revoked.
243
Reading Pierce Penniless by Nashe. The London pamphlets of Elizabethan days were like today’s tweets. Rapidly dashed off commentary on contemporary events and people, sometimes humorous, sometimes venomous. Tech changes. But much of human nature remains constant.
244
The changing temperament of Congress.
There used to be bargaining and trading for votes,
an aye for an aye.
Now it’s power politics,
an eye for an eye.
245
What do you call it
when a ritual circumcision
is performed on December 25?
Bris-mas.
246
If the world is hard to see,
don’t go to an optician
or optometrist
or an ophthalmologist.
Go instead to an optimist,
and get a prescription for rose-colored glasses.
247
Basic assumptions —
God is multi-sided, not just three.
God chills.
That’s the meaning of
“All Gods chillin’.”
248
An everything is something
that lasts forever.
249
Variant of the Eden story —
Eve touches the apple and it turns to gold
and that’s the original sin
mankind’s gilt.
250
On the brink of losing his life, he prayed God for a second.
God granted his wish
and was so generous as to give him a minute.
