Grandad Jokes, Batch #9

Richard Seltzer
3 min readOct 5, 2021
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from the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion in the book Grandad Jokes

226

After his assassination,

Julius Caesar went to the New World

and taught Latin to the natives.

That’s how it came to be known as Latin America.

227

It is always better to pray

than to be prey.

228

It’s important to act

your rage.

229

After his heart stopped

he was lost,

he didn’t know what to do,

he was totally out of his death.

230

If Jesus was a carpenter,

why weren’t any of his parables based on carpentry?

An author, inventing him,

wouldn’t make such an amateur mistake.

Hence he wasn’t invented.

231

Someone tweeted —

“Mind is like an umbrella. It only works when open.

I replied —

And once you open it, dig in, dig deep.

Only then will it be truly mined.

232

As the Lorax said —

May the forest be with you.

233

Life is a multistage rocket.

You didn’t design it,

so you don’t now where this stage will take you

and if there might be others after that.

Don’t get stage fright.

Enjoy the ride.

234

presence means

just being —

human being

235

The student of genetic engineering

learned how to sew seeds,

but didn’t consider the unintended consequences,

so he was sued,

and wound up in the sewer.

236

What does your soul look like?

It’s the shape of my foot,

and wears a purple wig.

237

When he did heart transplants,

the surgeon inserted a tiny LED bulb,

powered by blood circulation.

He wanted his patients to be light hearted.

238

When the burning bush spoke,

the tree said,

“I beleave you.”

239

Socrates expressed his gratitude by saying,

“Think you very much.”

240

Eeorye’s Chinese cousin apologized by saying,

“So sourly please.”

241

Every year on the fourth Thursday of November

Socrates celebrated Thinksgiving.

with a feast of food for thought.

242

Einstein forgot his wife’s birthday.

But he didn’t waste any energy over that.

He realized that it didn’t matter.

He could always time-travel back and fix such mistakes.

But when he died, his time-travel license was revoked.

243

Reading Pierce Penniless by Nashe. The London pamphlets of Elizabethan days were like today’s tweets. Rapidly dashed off commentary on contemporary events and people, sometimes humorous, sometimes venomous. Tech changes. But much of human nature remains constant.

244

The changing temperament of Congress.

There used to be bargaining and trading for votes,

an aye for an aye.

Now it’s power politics,

an eye for an eye.

245

What do you call it

when a ritual circumcision

is performed on December 25?

Bris-mas.

246

If the world is hard to see,

don’t go to an optician

or optometrist

or an ophthalmologist.

Go instead to an optimist,

and get a prescription for rose-colored glasses.

247

Basic assumptions —

God is multi-sided, not just three.

God chills.

That’s the meaning of

“All Gods chillin’.”

248

An everything is something

that lasts forever.

249

Variant of the Eden story —

Eve touches the apple and it turns to gold

and that’s the original sin

mankind’s gilt.

250

On the brink of losing his life, he prayed God for a second.

God granted his wish

and was so generous as to give him a minute.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other jokes, stories and essays.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com