Grandad Jokes, Batch #5
from the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion in the book Grandad Jokes
126
When the Author-of-All
created the world with words,
he didn’t use present, past, or future.
It was all pretense.
127
How do distant planets sign their love letters?
XO
128
What do aliens drink?
Ale
What do Martians eat?
Martian mallows
What do moon men watch?
Loonie Tunes
What planet won gold at the Olympics?
Jumping Jupiter
129
The promise of the Internet —
joining together people from all over the world —
has been undermined by polarization,
only listening to those who say what you want to hear.
Hence the slogan:
Never click the clique.
130
What’s God’s favorite store?
Create and Barrel.
Why did He create man?
He wanted an audience for his jokes.
131
Slogan for medication —
Dare to live like a god.
Its warning label —
For gods only.
Do not take if you are dead
or plan to be dead.
132
He ran out of gas
after a day at the office
and couldn’t write.
Then he started eating beans,
and he could write for hours.
133
Definition of meditation —
Quietly thinking a why-le.
134
Definition —
Telegnosis,
belief at a distance,
seeing and hearing God without being anywhere near Her,
as through a text, an email, a tweet.
135
In the beginning was the word.
So the impending doom that we now face
is the end of the word.
So it is our duty, as writers, to keep writing
in hopes that we might save the word.
136
Scarier than turning into a vampire or a werewolf is turning into an old person.
I hope one doesn’t bite me…
137
New religion with its own language —
The Church if Emo-ji-sus.
Special offer —
join now,
be reborn later.
138
What’s to fear mate?
If ye dye,
ye just change color.
139
She was a molecular biologist,
but she was completely unprepared for this contingency —
her genes had no pockets.
140
News alert —
God just left Earth.
He doesn’t want to catch the coronavirus.
141
Adam was a confirmed pessimist.
When Eve told him that the sun would rise,
he replied,
“No implausible.”
142
Souls are like socks —
it’s hard to find mates.
143
The news is weighing us down
with one grave matter after another.
We should all move to the moon
where there is far less gravity.
144
The philosophy of robotics —
What Immanuel Kant
automation Kan.
145
What is the nationality
of most experts on coronovirus?
Germ man
146
You can’t take your time
and have it too.
147
Warning —
tell your doctor
if you are dead
or plan to be dead.
148
Theory —
The virus
by leading to virtual presence and virtual meetings
is increasing virtue,
Even reality is becoming virtuous.
149
Don’t worry if you lose your mind.
There are reminders everywhere.
150
The rabbi told Mary, “Man proposes. God disposes.”
Mary looked up to Heaven and shouted,
“Lord that’s not fair!
If you proposed. I’d accept.
We could elope.”
