Grandad Jokes, Batch #10
from the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion in the book Grandad Jokes
251
The pieces of the cosmic puzzle all fit together
when you realize Darwin created God in His own image.
252
What is it?
It rains.
It pours.
It is very versatile.
But no one knows what it is.
253
At least for the duration,
The Congregational Church should rename itself
The Social-Distancing Church
or God Zoom
254
Don’t worry about tomorrow until tomorrow.
Don’t worry about yesterday until yesterday.
Fortunately, it’s always today,
so you never need to worry.
255
Love the present.
Even when it isn’t Christmas.
256
I’m looking forward to Thinksgiving,
with large portions of food for thought,
and stuffing and gravy,
and no vegetables at all.
257
And God said “Let there be light; and there was light.”
And so low-calorie beer was created.
258
My favorite sin
is sincerity.
259
Someone asked, “How old are you?”
Old enough to know what I want,
but not young enough to get it.
260
Translation correction —
Eve didn’t wear a fig leaf.
She wore a fickle leaf.
261
God trembled when Eve bought a new computer.
It was an Apple
with 4 terabytes.
262
When socks go to the Final Judgment,
they are told, separately,
that their pair didn’t have enough credits
for both to go to Heaven.
One can go to Heaven
and the other will go to Hell.
“So which do you want?” asks St. Peter.
And every one that asks for Heaven
gets Hell.
263
Let’s think positive this Christmas.
Instead of Noel,
let’s celebrate
Yesel.
264
I didn’t work this hard for so long
just to earn
the rest of my life.
265
Like a jigsaw puzzle,
the future of the world
depends on putting the right peaces
in the right places.
266
When he retired he had no more deadlines.
Finally he could focus on lifelines.
267
Variant of the Eden story —
Eve touches the apple
and it turns to gold
and that’s the original sin mankind’s gilt.
268
Title of Carlyle’s satiric novel about Buddhism —
Satori Resartus.
269
The Neanderthal was frustrated.
He couldn’t get into the ancestral archive.
The access code was cave sensitive.
270
I remember when the universe had a key.
271
On the form under “religion”
she checked off “observant.”
She observed the holidays
from a healthy distance.
272
I’ve had several near-life experiences.
They felt great.
273
Descartes revised for the twenty-first century —
I tweet, therefore I am.
274
I could certainly use a time machine.
I need time, lots of time,
and it’s very hard to make it by hand.
When was the last time you saw handmade time?
275
For exercise
he took his pet
peeve for a walk every day.
276
Ponds are deep thinkers,
always reflecting.
277
Light is the shadow cast by darkness.
278
Remember it is easier
to day
than
to morrow.
Do you even know how to morrow?
279
I look forward to the time
when instead of May
the month will be known as
Can.
280
After the Sunday sermon
he became a
bored again Christian.
281
Apple bought God.
they are rebranding Him
and marketing Him
as the iM.
282
Theory of authorship —
A book by any other man
would not be the same.
283
The coach picked Time as his quarterback,
because no matter what the defense does,
Time always passes.
284
God would have made everything perfect.
but He was out of time.
285
In the Universe Awards
God got an honorable dimension
for Time.
286
After the Stone Age
and the Bronze Age,
came the Ironic Age.
287
Never regret anything you do.
Just gret.
Once is enough.
288
If your consciousness is hungry, order a sub,
for a healthy subconscious.
289
The problems with the publishing industry
begin with the vocabulary.
Authors must submit.
290
He kept bouncing from one writing project to another
and never getting to the end of anything,
until he went to finishing school.
291
The robot wanted someone to buy him,
so he’d be souled.
292
Better to be an outcast
than a cast of aspersions.
293
Writing a novel is as easy as
wanna
two
three.
294
Do everything you can to boost the value of your soul
so you can get top price
when you sell it to the devil.
295
The monk prayed “Amen”
but God misunderstood
and gave him almonds.
296
Clearly, parrots are evolutionary winners.
Because of their camouflage
no one would ever notice them.
297
Nirvana or
nerveana —
that is the question.
298
The life story you write
detailing what you hope to do
before you’ve done it
is your Ought-to Biography.
299
The third commandment —
Love thyself.
300
I thing I can
I thing I can
I thing
therefore I can.
