Grandad Jokes, Batch #100

Richard Seltzer
2 min readJul 13, 2022
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes.

1851

He couldn’t get the money in time,

so they foreclosed.

If only he could have foregot it.

1852

What is a choir of orcs?

An orc-estra.

1853

Graduating chiropractors

received their backalauriat degrees.

1854

The ladder got into terrible fights

with his step children.

1855

A new medication targeted at sick authors

may put an end to ill-literacy.

1856

The novel was very hard to live with.

She felt entitled.

1857

$2.50 a gallon?

That’s a nice piece of gas.

1858

I never expressed my gratitude to him out loud,

but I thinked him many times.

1859

A tale of Internet business success —

The Seven Year Niche.

1860

The dyslexic second grader

stole eyes cream

instead of ice cream.

1861

Beware.

That kid has nerfs of steel.

Don’t play nerf ball with him.

1862

When Mickey Mouse fainted.

Minnie gave him

mouse to mouse resussitation.

1863

Big Pharma was working on

a vitamin pill to beat all vitamin pills.

They were going to call it the B52,

but it bombed.

1864

The fishing rod had a mean left hook,

but its owner went all day

without a strike.

1865

The advertising genius

came up with brilliant slogans for liberal causes.

His nickname was Ad Lib.

1866

Have you ever seen a corn stalk its prey?

That’s scary.

1867

The bike was tired

but he worked anyway.

He wouldn’t know what to do

if he weren’t tired.

1868

Electronic calendars should have an

invisible ink mode,

so you can fulfill your obligation

to write it down,

but never see it again.

1869

When the Pharoah went to war with Japan,

he used mummies as weapons.

That’s the origin of the slogan,

“Embalmed over Tokyo!”

1870

Don’t listen to him.

Give him a minute,

and he’ll take an hour.

1871

He wanted to be immortal

so he only wore

undies.

1872

A marriage certificate

is proof of wife.

1873

The software engineer swore

“Son of a glitch!”

1874

She was shy.

How could she possibly enter

a flash fiction contest?

1875

What is the most intelligent vegetable?

Lettuce.

It’s a head and nothing but a head.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other stories, essays, poems, and jokes.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com