Grandad Jokes, Batch #107
From the section Bedtime Whimsy and Romance of the book Grandad Jokes.
76
When the entire crew stared at hula dancer and neglected their duties,
the captain remarked
“Loose hips sink ships.”
77
When a poor Arab proposed to his rich girl friend, she was delighted that he was poor,
and hence couldn’t afford other wives.
She would be his sole mate.
78
Why did the lady dance with a computer in her hand?
She wanted to give her partner a laptop dance.
79
The fork fell in love with a knife in shining armor.
80
Toast to a hooker —
bottoms up.
81
An older woman going on Match.com is going antique shopping.
82
When Joseph used a condom, what was the event called?
The immaculate contraception.
83
What do you call a stripper’s cleavage?
Silicone Valley
84
What should a groom wear when getting married online?
A textedo
85
A woman can’t find her husband.
She sees a big box with wrapping paper and a ribbon, addressed to her.
She opens it, and her husband pops out.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
“I’m living in the present, like you asked me to.”
86
What did the river want from the hooker?
a flow job
87
Profile of a zombie on Match.com -
“I’m looking for someone with a good sense of horror.”
88
They were well matched.
He went out for swimming to learn the breast stroke.
And she went out for crew to become a cocks woman.
89
Ad for a Nevada “ranch” —
Where you can get the most bang for your buck.
90
A proverbial adverbial problem —
They hardly knew one another,
and he wanted to know her hardly.
91
Confuse Us say,
“He who is unfaithful to his wife
begets what he deserves.”
92
Definition of “tease shirt”:
T-shirt with nipples cut out
93
When computer geeks want sex,
they have rebootie calls.
94
Prayer of old man taking Viagra with his communion wine
“I believe in the res-erection.”
95
How can you tell men from women, sitting across the room from you, when they are wearing identical clothes and have identical haircuts?
Men cross their legs with the top leg horizontal, so as not to squeeze themselves in a delicate place.
Women sit with their knees together and their feet apart. Or if they cross their legs, the top leg hangs vertical and is tight to the other.
96
If you like tea and strumpets,
you should go to Vegas.
97
Why did the old lady reject the handsome young man from Match?
He was an undertaker and she was afraid he just wanted her for her body.
98
What did the cornstalk say in his Match profile?
“I’m wise beyond my ears.”
99
On Match,
you win some,
you loathe some.
That’s life.
100
Headline for Match profile —
“Used life for sale.”
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