Grandad Jokes, Batch #118
From the section Bedtime Whimsy and Romance of the book Grandad Jokes.
251
The gentleman went to the massage parlor at noon,
because he wanted a day job.
252
“Why don’t you wear perfume?”
“It’s a matter of identity.
I stink therefore I am.”
253
When the genie gave her one wish,
she said she wanted to be a brick —
a free and independent brick,
fit to be laid over and over again.
254
Male plumbers are known for their butt cracks,
and lady plumbers for their plunging neck lines.
255
He dieted for his girlfriend,
knowing that if he were light,
she would turn on the light,
and that would be delightful.
256
How to catch the lady of your dreams —
with a bare trap.
257
She always had his back,
so she shouldn’t have been surprised
that he always affronted her.
258
“Be kind,” said the oracle.
“Be kini,” heard the girl.
So she wore her tiny bikini,
and won the man of her dreams.
259
When they first met,
she said, “Hilo.”
So he bought high, sold low, went broke,
fell in love with her,
and has been high ever since.
260
Another name for a dear john message —
a curtain call
261
What did William Penn say when he proposed?
Polly want a Quaker?
262
When the bisexual rabbi
went on his biweekly
buying spree,
he said
good-bi.
263
All winter long
their relationship had been “no strings attached.”
Then tulips blossomed and they both rejoiced —
string was coming.
264
It’s almost February
and the days are longing
for spring.
265
To enjoy erotica is human.
The earn from it divine.
266
The therapist told the bachelor
that he was having a mid-wife crisis.
So he married a midwife
and they lived happily ever after.
267
What did the music aficionado say to his lover
when he first heard her singing voice?
Be mime.
268
The novelists chose a linguist
to officiate at their wedding,
because he, better than anyone else,
could pronounce them man and wife.
269
The cobbler became a matchmaker
when he realized
the shoes were sole mates.
270
Word for the ability to effectively use Tinder —
Appti-nude.
271
Her breasts were outspoken —
saying outrageous things in inappropriate places.
Hence that type of talk came to be called
profane-titty.
272
The lady of his dreams was intelligent and beautiful,
but, above all, she was well-bed.
273
When the young lady walked down Fifth Avenue
with a prize-winning rabbit under each arm,
she was gratified
that men greeted her saying —
Nice buns.
274
At his wedding,
to the shock of the guests,
the pizza man rolled a huge crust,
removed his bride’s gown,
wrapped the crust around her,
and broke into song:
“Love is all you knead!”
275
They fell in love when they first met
and have stayed together for 50 years.
They explain that the first kiss
was cumfusing.
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