Grandad Jokes, Batch #119

Richard Seltzer
3 min readAug 2, 2022
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the section Bedtime Whimsy and Romance of the book Grandad Jokes.

277

The Greek scholar kept his love letters

in a phile cabinet.

278

The perfect Valentine’s gift —

a box of chocolate tweets.

279

As soon as the student met her

he told her,

“I’d like to patriculate at youniversity.”

280

He took his escort to Bloomingdale’s

and bought her an evening gown.

It was a special, half-price.

When the date was over,

he paid her only half of what he had agreed.

He explained, “That’s because you’re special.”

281

The lady went shopping for an evening gown.

The gentleman went shopping for an evening.

282

The clock loved her clockmaker,

but two-timed him.

She wanted a second chance,

but he gave her a second hand instead.

283

Long ago, before the days of interns,

Queen Zenobia had a thing for pages.

Her life was an inspiration for erotic novelists,

true page turner.

284

She applied for the position because

she wanted firsthand job experience.

But the spacing in the ad was wrong.

It should have read —

first handjob experience.

285

Slogan of Vegas show girls —

put your best tit forward.

286

He wanted to build muscle,

but lifting weights at the gym was boring.

So he picked up women instead.

287

When Emile Zola met her,

he knew immediately that

she was his zole-mate.

288

The young girl wanted to become a prostitute

because she loved music

and she wanted to learn to play

the organ.

289

She would only date medical students

because they studied orgasmic chemistry.

290

She had second-hand breasts.

It wasn’t enough to be caressed by one hand.

She needed a second one.

291

When he made love with his boss,

he always made sure she had at least two orgasms,

so he could have a re-come-endation.

292

The boa constrictor gave her lover a

goodnight hiss,

and he gave her

a goodnight hug —

she was his main squeeze.

293

Definition —

Emojial, noun

Someone who has difficulty finding the right words to express his/her emotions, and becomes dependent on using emojis.

By extension, someone whose emotions are limited to what he/she can find emojis for.

294

How to address a short princess

who is offended by the irony of “highness” —

Your royal sweetness.

295

He fell for one of his followers —

her tweets were cute,

and her twittees were amazing.

296

Celebrate leap day.

Leap before you look.

If you don’t you are at risk of

leaprosy —

four years, or even a lifetime

of regret.

297

She said they couldn’t get together.

She had to catch up with her friends.

He replied,

“Well, ketchup with your friends

and mustard with me.”

298

She is very truthful.

But be careful.

Don’t believe her if she’s lying in bed.

299

He met her online.

It was a matchicle experience.

300

His second wife was a bit rough around the edges.

But he loved her,

and she cooked better than he did.

She was a great fixer supper.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other stories, book reviews, essays, poems, and jokes.

--

--

Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com