Grandad Jokes, Batch #12
From the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion in the book Grandad Jokes
301
When he married a witch
he learned that
wife is stranger than fiction.
302
The Heavenly Supreme Court
just ruled that God did not have the authority
to create the universe by executive order.
Hence everything must return to chaos.
303
Since it is both energy and matter,
light matters, and
anti-matter matters, and
dark matter matters.
Matter waves
goodbye to
matter dolorosa
on its way to
the Matterhorn.
No matter what.
304
Her books, her life-long friends,
were deteriorating.
The pages were becoming brittle
and would soon turn to dust,
such a human fate —
dust to dust.
She took them off their shelves
and stored them,
then stored them again and again,
until they were completely restored.
305
Advice to the young —
Never stop questioning and challenging,
and you will become why-is.
306
The philosophy of advertising
was first formulated in
The Any Ads of Plotinus.
307
Revising Descartes for the 21st century —
I thank, therefore I am.
308
Vanity
thy name is
cabinet.
309
I woke up with an ear ach,
probably from the way I was lying.
I should know better,
and always tell the truth.
310
In his latest ad campaign
Satan emphasizes the hellth benefits of heat.
311
The philosophers held a coming of age cerebration.
312
What did the elbow
say to the solar plexus?
You have some nerve.
313
Because his children were so important to him,
the philosopher sought the meaning of life
in the pattern of little feet.
314
The pen is mightier than the sword.
But the eraser is mightier than the pen.
315
By nature, the doorbell was a philosopher.
He believed in the ding itself.
316
When sinners learn the ropes,
they pray “Lead me knot into temptation.”
317
The mathematician was sure she could avoid unintended pregnancy.
She used the algorithm method.
318
The herbalist was accused of
killing thyme.
319
Imagine an app that let’s you see yourself as others see you
(instead of mirror image)
and let’s you hear yourself as others hear you.
Then you would have a true self-phone.
320
When they did an MRI of the belly of the Dalai Lama,
they discovered he had inner peas.
321
Literally, dogma is a bitch.
322
When my thing
morphs to
mything.
You become the creator of myths.
323
If your peg doesn’t fit in any of the world’s holes,
try changing the holes.
324
When the policeman pulled him over,
he claimed his preacher gave him
godspeed.
325
I’m too busy to procrastinate today.
I’ll procrastinate tomorrow.
