Grandad Jokes, Batch #13

Richard Seltzer
2 min readOct 10, 2021
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion in the book Grandad Jokes

326

Because the philosopher was a realist,

he needed everything misspelled out.

327

I stink therefore I am.

328

The philosopher pondered —

What is the meaning of wife?

329

What matters is not the structure of the universe,

which we can never know;

but the range of possibilities the human mind can conceive of,

and why.

330

At auctions in heaven

to declare winners,

St. Peter says, “Souled!”

331

Adam’s nickname for Eve

was “Prime Rib.”

332

To bet your life,

you put your life in the slot

of the vending machine

with no idea what might come out.

333

Remember.

You only live ten times.

Make the most of it.

334

When God was asked what She wanted to be

when She grew up,

She answered,

“I want to be Cause.”

335

Jesus playing poker with Satan

on the anniversary of the Job bet,

Satan says, “I’ll raise all Hell.”

And Jesus answers, “I’ll raise the dead.”

336

God hires us all as temps.

If She made us permanent,

we’d qualify for benefits.

337

To day,

perhaps to work.

To night,

perhaps to dream.

338

The magnet said to the scrap of iron,

“You’re ugly, but I’m attracted to you.”

That was the birth of irony.

339

She wanted to make the day count,

but he was bad at math.

340

Mindrise, mindset,

swiftly flow the days…

341

The greatest invention of all time?

Time itself.

Imagine what existence would feel like with no concept of time.

342

The question shouldn’t be, “What do you want out of this life?”

but rather

“What do you want to put into this life?”

343

Write to discover

what you didn’t know you knew.

344

The semiologist never retired.

He resigned.

345

To go from one side of the Red Sea to the other

the Jews used

osmoses.

346

Who was the best 18th century author of computer documentation?

Manual Kant

347

My life has a porpoise.

But I don’t know his name.

348

The dentist did a mid-life career shift,

becoming a cognitive philosopher and psychologist,

developing truth picks.

349

Imagine the problems of Lazarus,

going through post traumatic death syndrome.

350

Oklahomans can’t join the Church of the Later Day Saints

because they are sooners.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other jokes, stories and essays.

--

--

Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com