Grandad Jokes, Batch #13
From the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion in the book Grandad Jokes
326
Because the philosopher was a realist,
he needed everything misspelled out.
327
I stink therefore I am.
328
The philosopher pondered —
What is the meaning of wife?
329
What matters is not the structure of the universe,
which we can never know;
but the range of possibilities the human mind can conceive of,
and why.
330
At auctions in heaven
to declare winners,
St. Peter says, “Souled!”
331
Adam’s nickname for Eve
was “Prime Rib.”
332
To bet your life,
you put your life in the slot
of the vending machine
with no idea what might come out.
333
Remember.
You only live ten times.
Make the most of it.
334
When God was asked what She wanted to be
when She grew up,
She answered,
“I want to be Cause.”
335
Jesus playing poker with Satan
on the anniversary of the Job bet,
Satan says, “I’ll raise all Hell.”
And Jesus answers, “I’ll raise the dead.”
336
God hires us all as temps.
If She made us permanent,
we’d qualify for benefits.
337
To day,
perhaps to work.
To night,
perhaps to dream.
338
The magnet said to the scrap of iron,
“You’re ugly, but I’m attracted to you.”
That was the birth of irony.
339
She wanted to make the day count,
but he was bad at math.
340
Mindrise, mindset,
swiftly flow the days…
341
The greatest invention of all time?
Time itself.
Imagine what existence would feel like with no concept of time.
342
The question shouldn’t be, “What do you want out of this life?”
but rather
“What do you want to put into this life?”
343
Write to discover
what you didn’t know you knew.
344
The semiologist never retired.
He resigned.
345
To go from one side of the Red Sea to the other
the Jews used
osmoses.
346
Who was the best 18th century author of computer documentation?
Manual Kant
347
My life has a porpoise.
But I don’t know his name.
348
The dentist did a mid-life career shift,
becoming a cognitive philosopher and psychologist,
developing truth picks.
349
Imagine the problems of Lazarus,
going through post traumatic death syndrome.
350
Oklahomans can’t join the Church of the Later Day Saints
because they are sooners.
