Grandad Jokes, Batch #131
From the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History, and Religion of the book Grandad Jokes.
575
The older I get
the more things I forget or lose.
Today I lost my mind.
I better check under the bed.
That’s where it was the last time.
576
When I was young,
I believed that change was the one absolute truth.
Now I know it’s bills.
577
He wished he could save a life,
his own,
until he learned how to use it.
578
In the beginning God fixed the stars in the sky.
But what happened before the beginning
to break them?
579
Do the beginnings justify the means?
580
Is The Book of Life justified?
Or is it printed ragged right?
581
In the vast emptiness of time and space
God had an idea.
It wasn’t bright.
Rather, it was heavy and dark.
And the dark mattered.
582
Someone on Twitter asked:
“Do you believe in GOD?”
I replied,
“I wish He/She would change His/Her name.
GOD is too close to GOP.
583
Sometimes the tires
of the economy
need a little inflation.
584
Dark matter matters.
(We just don’t know how much or why).
585
What kind of animal lies the most?
amfibians
586
Satan colluded in the desecreation
of the universe.
He was responsible for dark matter.
587
Humor has been with us since Creation.
And God said, “Let there be light.”
And perhaps the making of mankind
was part of the joke.
588
Origin of the word “parson”
God talks to everyone all the time,
but it is very difficult to know where
one word ends and another begins,
A “parson” is someone who can parse the words of God.
589
Joseph was in a bind.
If he declared that Jesus was the Son of God,
he couldn’t claim him as his own son
for a tax deduction.
590
When he was reborn as a janitor,
he felt like a caste-away.
591
Be well.
Be have.
Be fore.
Simply be
That’s your duty as a human being.
592
The strict Catholic set his phone on roming.
593
If Jesus were not the Son of God,
he might have suffered from
crosstoephobia.
594
To have created the universe
and perhaps an infinite number of universes,
God must be huge.
If we were “one nation under God,”
we’d be crushed.
595
Perhaps Eve
was a figment of Adam’s imagination.
596
Suggested addition to the Book of Proverbs —
Where there’s a will
there’s an oy veh.
597
Without being touched,
the Cheerios started shaking,
then tumbled over
and scattered over the floor.
“What are you doing?” asked the Wheaties.
“Thinking outside the box.”
598
How can we harness hellfire to power generators?
A potentially infinite source of green energy.
599
What is a mindset?
I know about the brain,
but what is the rest of the set?
600
The inventor realized that an important
opportunity had arisen with
the creation of tiny cameras.
All he needed to do was attach one
to his upper lip,
and he would be able to see
what was right under his nose.
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