Grandad Jokes, Batch #133

Richard Seltzer
2 min readSep 19, 2022
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the section Never Grow Up of the book Grandad Jokes.

1876

If the scholar worked in a circus,

she would be a source swallower,

eating her words.

1877

When the ballerinas played soccer

the score was always tied —

tu to tu.

1878

When they needed to narrow their options

and come to a decision,

she invited George to the meeting.

He surpassed all others

in his narrowmindedness.

1879

When the ophthalmologist ran for mayor,

his slogan was

“Vision for the future.”

1880

The doctor told her she needed anti-occidants

for her health.

So she dated orientals.

1881

The piano tuner wanted to expand his business

so he took lessons on how to tuna fish.

1882

Gramma was great at teaching grammar.

For that, she got a Grammy Award.

1883

The baker was so good

that he was arrested for drug dealing.

His cookies were addictive.

1884

She was born old and couldn’t do a thing.

She was completely youthless.

1885

An apartment home for snakes is an

anacondominium

1886

Suggested name for a public school in Deadwood —

Hang ’Em High

1887

What do you call a bunch of villains?

A village.

(Beware of someone raised by a village.)

1888

He didn’t want to be a cog

in the wheels of business.

So he went incognito.

1889

What was the mathematician’s

favorite kind of humor?

Prime ribs

1890

It was rain like he had never seen before.

First it poored,

and then it riched,

even without a rainbow.

1891

I wouldn’t be myself

without my selfphone.

1892

She specialized in getting books banned

to get them much deserved attention.

She called her book promotion company

Banned Aid.

1893

He was a villain by nature.

First, he went to sea

and joined the knavy.

Then he took religious orders

and became a knave of a church.

1894

The judge ordered the mathematician-felon

to wear an angle bracelet.

1895

The vegetarian refused to go to the racetrack.

She didn’t like the steaks.

1896

When Gomer Pyle

became a professor,

what subject did he teach?

Gomeric Greek.

1897

Title for a grandmother’s blog —

A Gram of Truth

1898

Everyone agreed that she was beautiful and brilliant.

The praise was totally unqualified.

Unfortunately, she was totally unqualified.

1899

She preferred to make ice from hot water

and to add ice to scalding hot drinks.

The trauma of sudden change

gave an ordinary drink dramatic flavor.

1900

Her name was Marge

but he called her “Barge,”

in recognition of her talent

for changing the course of a conversation

or a life.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other stories, book reviews, essays, poems, and jokes.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com