Grandad Jokes, Batch #133
From the section Never Grow Up of the book Grandad Jokes.
1876
If the scholar worked in a circus,
she would be a source swallower,
eating her words.
1877
When the ballerinas played soccer
the score was always tied —
tu to tu.
1878
When they needed to narrow their options
and come to a decision,
she invited George to the meeting.
He surpassed all others
in his narrowmindedness.
1879
When the ophthalmologist ran for mayor,
his slogan was
“Vision for the future.”
1880
The doctor told her she needed anti-occidants
for her health.
So she dated orientals.
1881
The piano tuner wanted to expand his business
so he took lessons on how to tuna fish.
1882
Gramma was great at teaching grammar.
For that, she got a Grammy Award.
1883
The baker was so good
that he was arrested for drug dealing.
His cookies were addictive.
1884
She was born old and couldn’t do a thing.
She was completely youthless.
1885
An apartment home for snakes is an
anacondominium
1886
Suggested name for a public school in Deadwood —
Hang ’Em High
1887
What do you call a bunch of villains?
A village.
(Beware of someone raised by a village.)
1888
He didn’t want to be a cog
in the wheels of business.
So he went incognito.
1889
What was the mathematician’s
favorite kind of humor?
Prime ribs
1890
It was rain like he had never seen before.
First it poored,
and then it riched,
even without a rainbow.
1891
I wouldn’t be myself
without my selfphone.
1892
She specialized in getting books banned
to get them much deserved attention.
She called her book promotion company
Banned Aid.
1893
He was a villain by nature.
First, he went to sea
and joined the knavy.
Then he took religious orders
and became a knave of a church.
1894
The judge ordered the mathematician-felon
to wear an angle bracelet.
1895
The vegetarian refused to go to the racetrack.
She didn’t like the steaks.
1896
When Gomer Pyle
became a professor,
what subject did he teach?
Gomeric Greek.
1897
Title for a grandmother’s blog —
A Gram of Truth
1898
Everyone agreed that she was beautiful and brilliant.
The praise was totally unqualified.
Unfortunately, she was totally unqualified.
1899
She preferred to make ice from hot water
and to add ice to scalding hot drinks.
The trauma of sudden change
gave an ordinary drink dramatic flavor.
1900
Her name was Marge
but he called her “Barge,”
in recognition of her talent
for changing the course of a conversation
or a life.
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