Grandad Jokes, Batch #134
From section Never Grow Up of the book Grandad Jokes.
1901
I change my mind every morning,
when I put on fresh clothes. I
t’s necessary for hygiene
1902
When someone dashes someone else’s
great expectations,
that’s expectorating.
1903
For Christmas,
Scrooge gave gifs instead of gifts,
because they were far cheaper.
1904
Suggested song for a remake of Fiddler on the Roof —
Mindrise,
Mindset,
swiftly go the years…
1905
He wanted the job of receptionist
so he could be a greet man.
1906
Why did the mobster love lobster?
Just beclaws.
1907
She became a lepidopterist
because she wanted to be a moth-er.
1908
He thoroughly vetted her,
reading dozens of her tweets,
and, indeed, she was a jolly good follow.
1909
The label read “Posturepeedick”
His name was Richard,
and he was concerned about his posture.
So, followed the instructions
and peed.
1910
Gift for a friend on his 90th birthday —
a lock picking kit,
for when he gets to the Pearly Gates.
1911
Peptalk for a budding artist —
In the game of life
you can win, lose
or draw.
1912
When you can’t find the right symbol
to express your emotion,
that’s an emojency.
1913
What do you call Satan’s roulette wheel?
A chance in Hell.
1914
What is the favorite food of ghosts?
Ghoulash
1915
People living beyond their means,
should try their median or their mode.
1916
A blink
is random act of blindness.
1917
He needed someone to look up to.
So he became a basketball fan.
1918
Someone asked on Twitter,
“What’s taking up too much space in your head?”
I replied,
Interesting thought — space is in my head.
I’ll tell Captain Kirk next time I see him.
That explains a lot.
No wonder I’m confused.
My brain is the final frontier.
1919
The sadist
was never sadisfied.
If he had been,
he would have been happy,
which was not at all what he wanted.
It was a sad story.
1920
Are they called identickle twins
because they tickle one another?
1921
Rapunzel’s father put her in the tower
because he couldn’t stand her puns.
1922
He loved Christmas so much
that he moved to Santa Catalina.
1923
When she switched from the study of literature
to medicine,
she focused on
critical care.
1924
Sometimes the literary scholar
couldn’t see the story
for the text.
1925
The maid had Cinderella Syndrome.
She believed that if she swept really well,
Prince Charming would come.
(Her brother was Cinderfella).
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