Grandad Jokes, Batch #15
From the section “Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion” in the book Grandad Jokes
376
I don’t believe in gods,
but I do believe in goads.
377
The clay hoped that
she would be found by an artist
and go to pot,
and that some day
her fragments would illuminate
an entire era of human history.
378
Jesus’ mother’s sister was
the Auntie Christ.
379
The alien vehicle had super mobility.
It could turn on a time.
380
Message from outer space deciphered —
“Beware. The beginning is near.”
381
Although of sound mind,
the words loved to lay and cavort
with the great god Pun.
382
She couldn’t think of anything
but what she was wearing and was going to wear.
She was clothes minded.
383
Eventually, the clothing achieved consciousness.
After having been worn for a year,
it reached self-awearness.
384
Nine months before the first Christmas,
the maid thoroughly cleaned Joseph and Mary’s house,
making possible the immaculate conception.
385
What did God say to his Wife on the eighth day?
“We made it, honey.”
386
The answer is “Jesus,”
but we don’t know what the question is.
387
The dead speak in the passed tense.
Angels speak in passed perfect.
388
The mirror had a light lunch
and reflected on
the meaning of life.
389
They say, “Live for the day.”
I’d rather live for the night.
390
The best time to procrastinate
is yesterday.
391
Whatever project you might want to do,
today is the best time to start.
You’ll never be any younger than you are right now.
392
If you think you’re too old to finish what you want to do,
start it anyway.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel
if you didn’t start,
and ten years from now
you were still alert and active.
393
Why is there no myth about
the virgin birth
of a virgin girl?
394
Existentialists have either-or-gasims.
395
An episectomy
is philosophical surgery,
removal of meaning.
396
What do you need to build a dream house?
Mental blocks.
397
He dropped out of physics because he was ticklish.
Elementary part tickles were too much for him.
398
God said, “Let there be light.”
And then He safely crossed at the intersection.
399
Inspired by a hymn he heard at his best friend’s funeral,
he never cleaned his sidewalk again —
“Sweep no more…”
400
Instead of going to a hairdresser,
she went to a lifestylist.
