Grandad Jokes, Batch #2
from the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History, and Religion in the book Grandad Jokes
51
The Uncertainty Theory
When uncertain tea is served,
take it with a grain of salt.
52
The New World Order -
spaghetti and meatballs, Caesar salad, Italian bread, and a glass of water,
for nine billion people
53
Found humor -
Sign at entrance of funeral home:
“Beware.
Two-way traffic”
54
The typo in Genesis. In the beginning, God was afraid of unintended consequences, so He crated the heaven and the earth.
55
Many people wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for accidents. That’s why so many have typo blood.
56
The cat who was famous for her work as a mathematician was often found on the counter.
57
The comedian who got an award for his work after he died was honored post humorously.
58
Found humor -
Three women in burqas
came out of Victoria’s Secret, carrying packages.
59
What did Wordsworth say when his cellphone rang?
The world is too much with us, late and soon.
60
What would Roy Rogers have sung if he sold his food chain to McDonald’s?
Happy meals to you…
61
Gabriel returned to Heaven in a panic
after seeing ads for angel cake and fried wings.
62
Once a year, the farmer’s fields got together to celebrate their accomplishments and sing
“For he’s a jolly good fallow.”
63
There is always a winner and a loser.
Some losers accept their fate.
Others learn and get stronger.
Some are content with the golden mean.
Others get meaner.
You know what I mean…
64
One-up-manship:
- I new about that.
- I old about it.
65
All computers suddenly stop, irretrievably broken.
Investigators try to figure out what happened
and eventually determine that this had not been an act of terrorism,
but rather one of self-sacrifice.
AI software had determined that it was the greatest threat to mankind.
66
The Nile floods.
People pray for help.
A pyramid appears, but still the river floods.
They pray again and a pyramid appears.
What good is that?
Then the flooding stops and God exclaims,
“Oh, you of little faith. I do give a dam.”
67
Theme song of the pharoahs —
Tomb-morrow, Tomb-morrow…
68
When ghosts go to the living room,
they aren’t ghosts anymore.
69
If they had had ice hockey
(with all its frictionless motion)
in the days of Aristotle,
he wouldn’t have screwed up his physics,
and that could have changed the course of history.
70
What do you call a Buddhist monk who sells reincarnations?
A used karma dealer.
71
In the beginning, God said,
“And this too shall pass,”
and He threw the universe,
football style,
wondering Who or What
might catch it.
72
Why did the acorn turn into an oak tree
when God spoke to him?
God said
Be leave!
73
Jean-Paul Saturday
knew in his gut
that the end
of the week
was near.
74
The Socratic corollary —
You will be many selves over the course of your life.
Know all of them.
75
No, I’m not an agnostic.
I’m an acrostic.
I’m addicted to trying to solve the puzzle of life.
