Grandad Jokes, Batch #3
from the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion in the book Grandad Jokes
76
A Lutheran lady saved S&H trading stamps.
But the company closed, and she had no way to exchange them for products.
Then, in answer to her prayers, they became a hot item on eBay,
and she exclaimed:
I know my Redeemer redeemeth!
77
Who is God’s Grandson?
The Grand Canyon
renowned for his depth
78
In the beginning,
was the unspoken word,
the All-Tacit One
answering Adam
in unsound bytes,
truly blank verse.
Maybe some day he’ll get Eden.
79
What should you say the first time you meet the Pope?
Holy ciao.
80
Story idea:
A little girl hears about immortal people and immortal sins.
She thinks if you commit an immortal sin
you become immortal.
So she wants to know how she can do one.
81
Many French nobles were well-meaning.
But, as the inventor Guillotine remarked,
“It’s the execution that matters.”
82
What evidence do you have that you’re mortal?
You’ve lived as long as you can remember,
and you’ve never died before.
83
Life is a many-layered cake.
Bite deep to taste it all.
84
After the war, Maria von Trapp became a professor of philosophy
and wrote the song,
“These Are a Few of My Favorite Thinks.”
85
An author with writer’s block is ink capacitated.
86
A friend just wrote me, “I’ll try to stop cursing on Twitter.”
And I replied:
Imagine how dull the world is going to be now that they no longer teach cursive in school.
87
I’m eclectic, believing that there’s wisdom in language itself,
which we can unlock through association and word play —
that language is the combined construct of all mankind, our playground and our treasure.
Let a thousand puns bloom!
88
Timeless wisdom —
Buddhist services are held
at Zen o’clock.
89
My to-do list is so long
I organize it by
which life I’ll do it in.
90
Having failed in the election,
the Israeli prime minister
plans to leave politics and start a web business
Netan Yahoo.
91
Heavenly fathers must write the life stories of their children before those children are born.
Only the most interesting will ever come to life.
It’s a hellish heaven, with fierce competition.
92
The God-Before-God, the Ur-God,
gave God the task of writing the life of his Only Son,
and only if that life were full of drama and agony —
a best-selling page-turner for the ages —
would He be allowed to live.
93
God gets up early in the morning.
That’s why he said,
“I AM.”
94
Why did Jesus cancel his Twitter account?
He was embarrassed.
He only had 12 followers,
and then one unfollowed him.
95
God never made little green mammals.
Why not?
96
When God’s date was nervous
His advice to her was simple —
Eat, drink, and be Mary.
97
When Jesus was a kid,
why did his playmates suspect
he had Mafia connections?
Because he said,
“Don’t mess with me or my god father
will make you an offer you can’t refuse.”
98
The aging priest was depressed.
No prayer or Bible passage helped.
Then he hired escorts,
and kissed their hands,
and finally found solace
in the 23rd palm.
99
As Jesus and Socrates should have said,
“Know thy enemy as thou knowest thyself.”
100
Definition of pessimist:
On arrival in Heaven
he complains about the absence of evil and ugliness
which are necessary to fully appreciate
the good and the beautiful.
