Grandad Jokes, Batch #34
From the the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History, and Religion from the book Grandad Jokes
476
The rabbi’s favorite food
was yummy kippers.
477
The rest of your life
is no time to rest.
478
“Matter shapes matter.
As a tree is bent, so will it grow.
But the soul is unconstrained.
Nothing prevents a hunchback
from becoming an upright man.”
Would you attribute this fake epigraph to
Dostoyevski or Tolstoy?
479
If a man can’t see red,
his vision of every color with red as a component is distorted.
If a man can’t see goodness,
what strange creatures other men must seem to him.
480
God was fired for negligence,
but he soon found a new Job.
481
The poet enjoyed many positions,
but best of all was the juxtaposition.
482
For Chanukah,
McDonald’s
should serve kosher Big Maccabees.
483
Or as the Hollywood director said,
“Everything is reel.”
484
Those celebrating Chanukha
were in the menorahty.
485
The is no free will,
no fata chance.
486
“It’s over when it’s over,” my friend says,
confidently dismissing the notion of an afterlife.
I wonder, What’s the “it”?
487
He wanted to be a delivery man,
so he became a gynecologist.
Deliverance is wonderful.
488
He cast his bread upon the waters,
but it got soggy.
489
After Light broke the law
and was sent to prism,
he had a colorful career.
490
Life goes by too fast.
We need to switch to Day Life Savings Time.
491
Stages of growing up —
Miss
Ms.
Mrs.
Mess
Messier
Messiest
Messiah
The trick is to live long enough to get to Messiah.
492
How humans tinker with evolution:
Imagine a plant that evolves to look and smell beautiful to humans. It requires frequent care and only reproduces under special human-created conditions, which makes it rare and hence valued and hence more likely to get the care it needs.
493
Socrates was a pessimist.
You shouldn’t “No yourself,”
You should “Yes yourself.”
494
At birth, you are given the time of your life,
but you don’t know how much of it
or how fast it will burn.
And you have to learn how to use it,
but it takes time to figure that out.
It’s hard to get that right the first time around.
495
Imagine if there’s an invasion of Earth by beings from another galaxy,
and the invaders are the chosen ones of God,
and Earth is their promised land.
496
God was having trouble communicating with humans.
Even the best of them didn’t understand him.
So He signed up for a course
in English as a Second Language.
Next He plans to try
Russian, French, German, Japanese …
It would be so much easier
if people learned His language.
497
When Pythagoras gave lessons in statistics
he used pi charts.
498
Hitler’s account
of his conquest of France —
Veni, Vidi, Vichy
499
In caveman days
dogs disposed of the waste of their masters.
Now their relationship has evolved
and humans dispose of the waste of their pets.
500
Read Mill on the Floss,
biography of a pioneer in dental hygiene.
