Grandad Jokes, Batch #38
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes
501
The Sandman used a dowsing stick,
found water,
and dug a sleeping well.
502
A professor who is strict about punctuation
is a comma kazie.
503
The femme fatale stopped drinking ale.
Now she’s just a femme fat.
504
Why did the football star get a sex-change operation?
He wanted to be femme-ous.
505
Symptom of Twitter paranoia,
when you think no one is following you.
506
The would-be author bought a car
so he could write an auto-biography.
Then he went to the FBI
to find an agent,
and to a pub
to get publicity.
Finally, he self-published,
shooting hundreds of selfies.
507
The would-be author wasn’t going to write a trilogy.
He could tell his story in just two books.
So he applied to grad school
wanting to earn an MFA
in biology.
508
What did Shakespeare say to Sir Francis Drake?
Do you need another quill in your quiver?
509
What did the Elizabethan publisher
say to the Christmas carolers?
You are singing to the quire.
510
The graphic artist was enormously successful
at a new online niche market.
He was an emo-gee-wiz.
511
After the Bible story,
Joseph founded an investment bank
and made a huge profit.
His slogan was —
“The writing is on the Wall Street.”
512
She was having trouble in math
until her mother hired a handsome tutor for her.
Then she learned her tens tables fast.
He was an excellent ten is instructor.
513
Why did the cab driver study astronomy?
He wanted to find the Big Tipper.
514
He would never tell a lie,
because the lie would never believe him.
515
His friend said, “I agree completely. Ditto. Ditto.”
So he answered. “Dit toes and dit fingers as well.”
516
The book was proud to be promoted.
Now he was a promo sapiens.
517
Why are the days of the week sexist?
There’s a Sonday but no Daughterday.
That’s un-rea-son-able,
and it should be daughterable.
518
As he wrote it,
the novel kept expanding.
Every day, the end was near
but no nearer than it was the day before.
Clearly, the book was hard of nearing.
519
Beggars paid no attention
to General Sherman.
They knew he gave no quarter.
520
She had many allergies,
which helped her writing.
She could write epilogues
with her epipen.
521
Word coinage —
A mini LOL
should be called a LOLITA.
522
She got a rescue dog
because in the game of life
one-eyed dogs are wild.
523
Why did the author become a ham radio operator?
He wanted to hear people say —
“I read you! I read you!”
524
The doctor told the movie director
that his problems were all in his head.
So he ran a miniature fiber optic cable up his nose,
connected that to a video camera
and created a dramatic masterpiece.
525
Why was noon arrested?
Because he was driving while high.
