Grandad Jokes, Batch #38

Richard Seltzer
3 min readJan 19, 2022
Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes

501

The Sandman used a dowsing stick,

found water,

and dug a sleeping well.

502

A professor who is strict about punctuation

is a comma kazie.

503

The femme fatale stopped drinking ale.

Now she’s just a femme fat.

504

Why did the football star get a sex-change operation?

He wanted to be femme-ous.

505

Symptom of Twitter paranoia,

when you think no one is following you.

506

The would-be author bought a car

so he could write an auto-biography.

Then he went to the FBI

to find an agent,

and to a pub

to get publicity.

Finally, he self-published,

shooting hundreds of selfies.

507

The would-be author wasn’t going to write a trilogy.

He could tell his story in just two books.

So he applied to grad school

wanting to earn an MFA

in biology.

508

What did Shakespeare say to Sir Francis Drake?

Do you need another quill in your quiver?

509

What did the Elizabethan publisher

say to the Christmas carolers?

You are singing to the quire.

510

The graphic artist was enormously successful

at a new online niche market.

He was an emo-gee-wiz.

511

After the Bible story,

Joseph founded an investment bank

and made a huge profit.

His slogan was —

“The writing is on the Wall Street.”

512

She was having trouble in math

until her mother hired a handsome tutor for her.

Then she learned her tens tables fast.

He was an excellent ten is instructor.

513

Why did the cab driver study astronomy?

He wanted to find the Big Tipper.

514

He would never tell a lie,

because the lie would never believe him.

515

His friend said, “I agree completely. Ditto. Ditto.”

So he answered. “Dit toes and dit fingers as well.”

516

The book was proud to be promoted.

Now he was a promo sapiens.

517

Why are the days of the week sexist?

There’s a Sonday but no Daughterday.

That’s un-rea-son-able,

and it should be daughterable.

518

As he wrote it,

the novel kept expanding.

Every day, the end was near

but no nearer than it was the day before.

Clearly, the book was hard of nearing.

519

Beggars paid no attention

to General Sherman.

They knew he gave no quarter.

520

She had many allergies,

which helped her writing.

She could write epilogues

with her epipen.

521

Word coinage —

A mini LOL

should be called a LOLITA.

522

She got a rescue dog

because in the game of life

one-eyed dogs are wild.

523

Why did the author become a ham radio operator?

He wanted to hear people say —

“I read you! I read you!”

524

The doctor told the movie director

that his problems were all in his head.

So he ran a miniature fiber optic cable up his nose,

connected that to a video camera

and created a dramatic masterpiece.

525

Why was noon arrested?

Because he was driving while high.

Buy the book Grandad Jokes at Amazon

List of Richard’s other jokes, stories, poems and essays.

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Richard Seltzer

His recent books include Echoes from the Attic, Grandad Jokes, Lizard of Oz, Shakespeare'sTwin Sister, To Gether Tales. and Parallel Lives, seltzerbooks.com