Grandad Jokes, Batch #4
from the section Nonsensical Science, Philosophy, History and Religion in the book Grandad Jokes
101
Definition of optimist:
He delights in the discovery of evil and ugliness
in everyday life
because that heightens his appreciation of the good and the beautiful.
102
God was bored with the
Christian heaven,
and the Moslem one
and the Elysian Fields,
so he built his own paradise,
and called it Earth.
103
Einstein’s brother was a famous chef.
He invented the theory of relish-tivity.
104
Why did the boy bite a book of statistics?
He wanted to make a stat-chew.
105
Honesty is the best policy.
But where is the company that sells it?
106
What did Einstein eat for breakfast?
Raisin brain
107
Jesus told his mother
to eat, drink,
and be Mary.
108
Archaeologists find 21st century gym
and conclude it was a torture chamber
devoted to the god Fitness,
in the belief that the greater your misery in life,
the greater your reward after death.
109
The king wanted to eliminate poverty
So he moved his entire kingdom to the desert
Because when it rains, it poors.
110
What was the most popular newspaper column in biblical days?
The Gossip According to Mark
111
God created the Heavens and the Earth
and everything in them.
Then Satan created evolution
and screwed it all up.
112
When the three-year-old dropped a nickel in his piggy bank,
the nickel jumped for joy —
“I am saved.”
113
Why do kids like to be buried on the beach?
To achieve under-sanding.
114
Then there was the Hebrew cabinet maker
who was so bored with his job
that all day every day he muttered,
“Vanity. Vanity. All is vanity.”
115
Why did the prophet hire a speech therapist?
Instead of renouncing the world
he wanted to pronounce it.
116
In the interest of equality,
as the day before New Year’s is called New Year’s Eve;
the day after New Year’s should be New Year’s Adam.
117
Creation story:
On Planet X, caterpillars breed,
then go into cocoon
and emerge with one wing
and die.
Except a few who find true love,
cocoon together,
and emerge as one creature with two wings.
They fly and are called angels
118
The evolution of evolution —
Darwin claimed we descended from monkeys.
His opponents said none such.
Finally they compromised and agreed
it was monks and nuns together.
119
Mankind longed to return
to the E-den of iniquity,
until finally they built Vegas.
120
Sir Isaac Newton
had an alma energy
as well as an alma matter.
121
Through the ages, funeral rites
were intended to alleviate the fear of ghosts.
It was important to bury the dread.
122
What is a good name
for a naked Hindu priest?
Yogi Bare.
123
Where is Newton buried?
In the gravity yard.
Where is Einstein buried?
With his relatives.
Where is Heisenberg buried?
That is uncertain.
124
Where is Schrodinger buried?
A cat house.
Where is Darwin buried?
At the zoo.
Where is Freud buried?
In the unconscious.
125
Where are the Wright Brothers buried?
In the plains.
Where is Joyce buried?
Next to Finnegan.
Where is Shakespeare buried?
In the playground.
