Grandad Jokes, Batch #46
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes
701
The unpublished author
got a job writing promotional copy for Random House,
so close but yet so far from his goals.
He was stuck in the sub-blurbs.
702
The story didn’t like being single,
and didn’t want to get married.
She wanted to mature and grow into
a full-fledged mss.
703
After he retired,
the funeral director
set out to fulfill his life-long goal.
He wanted to go to the four coroners of Earth.
704
The arbitrator delayed his decision until New Year’s.
He insisted that’s the best time to make resolutions.
705
Why was the fruit vendor executed?
He dated the sheikh’s wife.
706
Someone who freaks out when he can’t get toast for breakfast has
lack toast intolerance.
707
He was afraid to go to the grocery store
because of the spreading virus.
But he couldn’t fall asleep.
So he filled his shopping cart with bananas,
since he’d heard it’s easy to sleep on banana peels.
708
Suggestion:
Series of early reading books for home schooling,
starting with
“Run, nose, run…”
709
The proof is in the reading.
710
She was very sensitive to the quality of music.
So she refused to go to Singapoor.
711
What’s a witch’s favorite place to live?
A broom with a view.
What’s a witch’s favorite tree?
A sweeping willow.
What’s a witch’s favorite compliment?
Son of a witch.
712
Why did the hen take her eggs for daily walks?
She needed the eggsercise.
713
The misbehaving computer node
received a ping slip.
714
The comedian was outraged
when his x-rated puns
were expunged.
715
Why did the Evangelical author avoid allusions?
Because they were a creation of Allusipher.
716
The abridgement was cleverly done,
excising everything of interest
so the reader wouldn’t be tempted
to slow down and ponder.
It was an abridge too far.
717
The pessimist was the inventor of the wheel.
No matter how good the news,
he would say,
“Wheel see.”
718
After he retired,
the inventor of the toilet
wrote a novel —
Watershit Down
719
The hitman committed the murder
in gold blood.
720
Message from Henry James’ publicist:
Harry, Harry, Harry
Step right up.
Go to the Jim.
Exorcise is good for the soul.
721
If the Divine Comedy were set to music
how should it be played?
Andante
722
The hitman worked in customer service
for a company with a lifetime guarantee.
723
The gambler studied to become a professor
so he could profesize
and make a good profit.
724
To name their new nuclear submarine
the Navy went to Hollywood
and hired an expert in subtitles.
725
He wanted to write an autobiography
but he couldn’t afford a car.
So, instead, he bought a ball
and wrote ballads.
