Grandad Jokes, Batch #51
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes
826
Why was the bureau accepted as an undergraduate at Yale?
Because he was a smart dresser
827
What’s the favorite musical instrument of fishermen?
Bass-soon
828
In the library, two books had been shelved beside one another for years.
They were in love and very happy.
Then one day someone took one of the books.
The one left behind was devastated.
She couldn’t stop crying, until a friend reminded her,
“Better read than dead.”
829
What do you call an aspiring young cartoonist?
a stripling
830
The new opioid crisis.
Addiction to doxiecuntin.
831
An Irish editor
is a Gaelic galley slave
832
The bull wanted to ride in the back of the train
because that’s where
the cow booze was.
833
He was working too hard,
going too fast,
so he put on the breaks.
834
What is the theme song of
Frosty, star reporter for Snow Flake News?
“Nobody snows the trouble I’ve seen …”
835
As a young boy he practiced pick-up-sticks obsessively,
hoping to one day be known as a pick-up artist
and thereby impress girls.
836
Thumbelina rode
a rhododendron
in a rodeo
at the Rhodes Bowl
and became a Rhodes Scholar.
837
He was in an elevator, surrounded by
beautiful women and a policeman.
The lights went out.
He made a mistake.
He meant to cop a feel.
Instead he felt a cop.
838
Facebook and Twitter are cracking down on false and misleading postings —
no ifs, ands, or bots.
839
The hacker was proud of his bot.
It was an artistic masterpiece
a boticelli.
840
She said, “I’ll call you later,” and hung up.
He called back.
“Who’s this?” she asked.
He replied, “You know me as Mr. Later.”
841
When the Eskimo broke the lease
on his igloo,
he was arrested
for flake rent criminality.
842
Eve was naive.
She thought an adam bomb was a fart.
843
She wanted to lose weight.
So she went to college
hoping to be enlightened.
844
What famous novel was written to
promote car insurance?
Report to Gecko by Kazantzakis.
845
The cheese was an excellent author,
but he didn’t want to win any awards
for fear that he would be grated.
846
Imagine a character, due to the author’s blunders,
is going into shlock.
847
On really hot days
do Good Humor trucks
now sell potsicles?
848
They are having a new bathroom installed,
with a Euro-pee-in toilet.
849
The humerus is the funny bone.
850
He proofed and edited his novel over and over again. It was remarkable.
