Grandad Jokes, Batch #52
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes.
851
The proof is not in the pudding.
It’s in the reading.
852
The grammarian felt out of place
until he moved to Parsippany.
853
When the grammarian got drunk
he forgot how to use parsetipples.
854
When the grammarian went into a coma
his life went on parse.
855
Something’s lost
and something’s gained
in living every day.
That’s the trouble with diets.
856
When the family dog died,
the novel desperately tried to rewrite himself.
He explained,
“I don’t want my owner to put me down.”
857
The construction worker learned to
hypnotize himself
so he could do his job sleepwalking
and have all his waking hours for himself.
Every night his wife wished him
“Sweat dreams.”
858
Theme song of movers —
Hello Dolly.
859
He turned left
then left again
and again,
and shouted,
“I shall return!”
860
When the alien author arrived on Earth,
he said, “Take me to your reader.”
861
Before eating dinner,
he put the plate on his head
and danced a jig.
He wanted balanced nutrition.
862
He went shoeless when writing non-fiction.
That made it easier to handle footnotes.
863
Her boyfriend was an author.
So she wished him
sweet reams
of paper.
864
Fensing is fun,
but which side is the right side?
de-fense?
or off-fense?
En garde!
865
Twitter is an amplifier.
Its power is measured not in decibels, but in followers,
who both hear and speak.
We’re all in Whoville
trying to be heard.
Retweet after me…
866
Foot-in-mouth disease leads to what medical problem?
Toe-main poisoning
867
Why did the guy from New Jersey propose to a society lady with a budweiser?
She said she preferred de beers
868
What is the favorite vacation resort of drunkards?
Bar Harbor
869
When a hooker is well satisfied,
you hear whore moans
870
How did Rembrandt tell time in the middle of the night?
With his night watch
871
What would you call a lunar retreat for religious fanatics?
A moonastery
872
What’s the sleepiest part of America?
Napa Vallley
873
Why are most demons slender and fit?
They get a lot of exorcise.
874
Why do witches like to go on cruises?
The broom service is great.
875
Who first popularized the scent of musk for men’s cologne?
The three musk-eteers
