Grandad Jokes, Batch #53
From the Never Grow Up section of the book Grandad Jokes.
876
What’s a good name for a movie about an orgy in a nursing home?
Cialis in Wonderland
877
What do you call friendship among photographers?
Camera-derie
878
What does a Jewish duck say?
honk, honka, honika
879
What should you call adhesive paper with jokes printed on it?
Tickler tape.
880
The would-be Peeping Tom
needed to pass peer view
before getting certified.
881
Where are the life writing courses,
with nude models?
Long prose figure studies.
882
Those suffering from cabin fever
should drink cabinated soft drinks
(made in Boston)
883
He bet his life
and the die was cast.
884
She jogged ten miles before diving into the ocean.
She wanted to swim with endorphins.
885
He stared long and hard at the glass.
Was it half empty or half full?
He stared so long
that he made a glass of himself.
886
The telegrapher was fired
when he was heard swearing,
“Oh dash it all!”
887
When the dog trainer became a miracle worker,
all he had to change was his spelling.
“Heal! Heal!”
888
He became a doctor
hoping to devote his career
to cute care.
889
The warlock
was a son of a witch,
and proud of it.
890
Doctor Seuss —
the cat
and is awarded
custody of the hat.
891
The recovering addict
wrote novels with only male characters.
He was avoiding heroine.
892
A collection of stories by or about insects
is an Ant-thology.
893
My body is too large.
I need to trim down.
But I don’t know how to read it, much less edit it.
If I could just eliminate the adverbs,
I’m sure I could lose 20 lbs.
894
Independence Day greeting —
May the Fourth be with you.
895
If you want to talk to yourself
and you don’t want anyone else to listen in,
use your selfphone.
896
Save the world.
Don’t just recycle.
Do twice as much as that.
Bicycle.
897
Advice to polar bears —
Save the world.
Don’t just recycle.
Icicle.
898
Save the world with daddy jokes —
don’t just recycle,
popsicle.
899
They fell in love at first sight.
And they saw each other every minute of every day.
But they never spoke, and they never touched.
They were doomed, and they knew it.
Because parallel lions never meet.
900
Einstein wasn’t a teetotaler,
but he did strictly limit his drinking.
That’s how he got his name —
just one stein of beer.
